Archive for July, 2016

July 26, 2016

Judge falls asleep during Corbyn ballot hearing

by philapilus

The hat has really helped Jeremy’s appeal spread beyond the traditional Labour core 

The judge hearing the legal challenge against Jeremy Corbyn’s inclusion on the Labour leadership ballot paper has fallen asleep, it was revealed this afternoon.

Judge Fanshawe-Haines was hearing the case brought by Labour donor Michael Foster – who contends Corbyn should have to meet a prerequisite number of nominations, as does challenger Owen Smith – when he nodded off.

Bailiff Bill Laff said “We’d got past the excruciatingly dull opening statements, and were just starting to get into the arcana of Labour Party rules and the

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July 19, 2016

Trump’s wife made ‘covert attempt to derail husband’s campaign’

by philapilus

May contain plastic

Melania Trump has admitted that she did not plagiarise Michelle Obama, but was rather “in agreement with her about Barack.”

Mrs Trump said “When I repeated her comments about President Obama, I was actually trying to subliminally remind everyone that Michelle has a sane, competent, and actually even occasionally  inspirational spouse.

“I have Donald.”

She went on to

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July 19, 2016

Kelvin MacKenzie calls for topless reporters

by philapilus

Standing up for women and their empowerment, bless their little cotton socks

Sun journalist Kelvin Mackenzie has defended his criticism of a Hijab-wearing reporter on Channel 4, explaining “I’m not against the hijab per se, but against the wearing of any clothes other than a thong.

“Unless it’s a man. No men wearing thongs please. Just women, bouncing their

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July 13, 2016

Cameron visits palace for official resignation

by philapilus

“Doo doodoo …that’s what you’re all in now!”

David Cameron will go to Buckingham Palace this afternoon to accept the Queen’s official resignation, before travelling back to Westminster where he will crown Theresa May.

May, who has become Prime Minister despite not having been voted in by her party, let alone won a majority in a general election, announced she will also take the title of Queen at David Cameron’s last cabinet meeting.

A source close to the new PM said “Theresa stood up, pushed Dave out of his chair, and said ‘Right

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July 11, 2016

Theresa May to quit leadership race

by philapilus

Arcane 1922 Committee rules mean that after May’s withdrawal the Tory leadership will pass automatically to the corpse of Benjamin Disraeli.

Theresa May is expected to withdraw her bid to become leader of the Tory party this afternoon during a Whitehall press conference.

After Andrea Leadsom quit the race this morning (leaving May as the sole candidate) there were murmurings from the Home Secretary’s camp that Theresa recognised she had been out-manoeuvred.

The probability that she will concede defeat this afternoon was all but certain by lunchtime, as

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July 7, 2016

Chilcott to head inquiry into moon

by philapilus

When you need something explained, even though it’s obvious, who you gonna call? JOHN CHIL-COTT! Dada-da duhdada…

In the wake of his report on the Iraq war Sir John Chilcott has been asked to chair another inquiry – into whether or not there is a moon.

According to the guidelines laid down for the inquiry, Chilcott has been asked to spend the next year producing a 300 page report.

He will, however, be

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July 1, 2016

“Now it’s just getting sad” say Tories

by philapilus
File:Loser sign croped.jpg

L is for Labour

The Conservative party said today that Labour was now so impotent that beating them wasn’t even fun anymore.

George Osborne said “We’ve done everything we can to lure them back into the fray. Cameron resigned, Gove stabbed Boris in the back, the Theresa May killbot has been unleashed, and today, just for

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