Mortarboard scourge finally ended

by philapilus

You could have someone’s eye out with that

The perils of airborne mortarboards at graduation ceremonies have finally been curbed in Norwich, after the University of East Anglia bravely outlawed the throwing of these deadly caps.

Dean of the University Sir Richard Bucketface said “For too long have the students of this university and their proud parents been subjected to horrific wounds or worse during our graduation ceremony.

“Only last year there were fourteen deaths amongst recipients of the BA in Cheesewatching, one of our finest courses. Just think of those bright futures, ended, all because some selfish souls wantonly threw their hats in the air.”

Jo Johnson MP MP, Minister for Universities and Science and brother of comedian Boris Johnson, said “This decision is not only sensible, but it will save lives and keep our children safe.

“My father, Stanley lost his senses of smell and taste after being hit by a mortarboard at my graduation, and my brother Boris almost killed himself on receiving his degree after performing a boomerang-style throw with his cap.”

UEA’s pilot scheme is likely to be rolled out across the country in time for summer 2017, although some other universities may adopt it sooner.

Johnson said “If this turns out to be a success I will also be banning other dangerous hat activities, such as the wearing of baseball caps. Poor William Hague lost all his hair after putting his on. Something needs to be done.”





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