Archive for May, 2016

May 26, 2016

Elton John and Putin’s duet postponed

by philapilus

Common ground: Sir Elton also worked for the KGB in the 1980s

The much-anticipated duet between Elton John and Vladimir Putin will have to be put on hold, Russian officials said today.

The portly popstar and the Russian president were due to record a version of ‘Don’t go breaking my heart’ during Sir Elton’s visit to Russia next month, but “have had to postpone due to scheduling conflicts.”

The song – which Sir Elton originally recorded with Kiki Dee in 1976 – was going to be released by both men as “a joint

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May 18, 2016

Mortarboard scourge finally ended

by philapilus

You could have someone’s eye out with that

The perils of airborne mortarboards at graduation ceremonies have finally been curbed in Norwich, after the University of East Anglia bravely outlawed the throwing of these deadly caps.

Dean of the University Sir Richard Bucketface said “For too long have the students of this university and their proud parents been subjected to horrific wounds or worse during our graduation ceremony.

“Only last year there were fourteen deaths amongst recipients of the BA in Cheesewatching, one of our

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May 18, 2016

Queen sings Monkees hits during speech

by philapilus

‘Then I saw her face…’

The Queen surprised both houses of Parliament today when, instead of giving a dreary speech announcing a plethora of boring administrative government acts, she spontaneously burst into song.

After arriving and meeting the assembly with all the usual pomp and ceremony, Her Majesty stood up, ripped in half the speech that David Cameron had sat up all night writing for her, and performed a 90 minute concert of songs by hit 60s TV band, the Monkees.

The Lords and the Commons were initially stunned, but soon

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May 13, 2016

Trump creates robot butler to draw away flak

by philapilus

Similarly C3PO successfully masked the fact that George Lucas offered a bounty for the decapitated head of Bill Clinton

It was revealed today that disturbed Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has created an insane android butler, in an attempt to distract voters from noticing how batshit-mental he is himself.

The butlerbot, named Anthony Senecal, has already begun performing its function, calling for President Obama to be killed and strung up outside the White House, for all newborn Asian-Americans to be strapped to rockets and  fired into the heart of the sun, and for frogs to be given driving licenses.

A source close to Trump said

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May 11, 2016

Prince Phillip apologises for Queen’s racial outburst

by philapilus

To be honest it’s pretty much all the Asians she’s got it in for

The Duke of Edinburgh has apologised on behalf of Her Majesty the Queen today, after footage of her making inappropriate remarks about the Chinese went public.

Elizabeth II was filmed saying to a senior police officer at a garden party “Fackin’ chinkies, always causin’ argy bargy ain’t they? Had some of them rude slitty-eyed midgets up the palace; right bunch of arse’oles they were an’ all.

“Ere, gie us another Pimms wouldja?  Ta…”

Prince Philip said this

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May 9, 2016

iPhone battery lasts almost till lunch

by philapilus
File:IPhone 5.png

Get used to the black screen

A man’s iPhone battery has lasted for a whole morning without dying, in what appears to be an unprecedented example of longevity for the device.

Geoff Shovel charged his phone before going to bed, then again between waking up and leaving for work because it naturally ran out during the hour or so before he left.

But to his astonishment, the battery then lasted from

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May 8, 2016

Harry Styles holds aloft scalp of vanquished foe

by philapilus

yes, but who did he kill?

One Direction band member Harry Styles has posted a photo showing him holding a bundle of hair, attached to which is a blood-dripping human scalp.

The singer’s post has been greeted with a wave of frenzied speculation as, enigmatically, Styles did not indicate from whom the gory keepsake had been taken.

Uberfan Wendy Nailinthehead said “At first we thought Harry might have shorn his own lovely locks and got a bit

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May 6, 2016

Attenborough to be renamed “Atty McAttface”

by philapilus
File:David Attenborough (cropped).jpg

Atty is expected to be launched into the Arctic Ocean some time next week

Sir David Attenborough is to be renamed ‘Atty McAttface’, in tribute to the failed attempt to name Britain’s new polar research ship ‘Boaty McBoatface’.

The ship was named the RRS Sir David Attenborough despite overwhelming public support for the Boaty moniker, by spoilsport science minister Jo Johnson MP, MP.

But a naming committee agreed that

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May 3, 2016

“I was born in Gambia” says defiant Gerry Adams

by philapilus

He knows exactly what it’s like to be on a slave-galley for months on end

Gerry Adams has refused to apologise for his comments equating the persecuted Irish nationalist movement to African-American slavery, and vigorously defended his use of the N-word.

Adams said “All of us in Sinn Fein were originally born in Africa, before ending up in Ireland, fighting for our freedom, just like the N*****s in Django Unchained.

“The suggestion that I made a racist or mindnumbingly inappropriate statement is frankly ridiculous. If anyone knows what they are talking about, it’s me. All the time, about

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