Exclusive: Chilcot report expected to pin blame for Iraq war on “international jewel thief, Douglas Vanderbildt”

by articulatedsheep

Excerpts from the long-awaited Chilcot Report, leaked exclusively to TMB this evening, reveal the prime culprit of the Iraq War – believed to have contributed to the death of almost half a million Iraqis, as the country slid into chaos following the US-led invasion of 2003 – to be none other than international jewel thief Douglas Vanderbildt.

Vanderbildt is understood to have staged the “shock and awe” bombing campaign that preceded the coalition ground campaign as a diversion to distract from his theft of the famed Star of Hyderabad – a priceless sapphire housed at the time in Baghdad’s National Museum of Antiquities. Following the heist, baffled curators inspecting the empty case that had hitherto held the priceless jewel found only a piece of black notepaper bearing a pink question mark, and a single red rose – Vanderbildt’s calling card.

Vanderbildt, Chilcot states, is notorious for his elaborate, stage-managed plans to throw investigators off his scent as he skips from continent to continent pulling off one outrageous theft after another. Chilcot suggests that he stole the jewel to order, passing it to his close associate – aristocrat, bon viveur and noted Antwerp gem dealer Jan Keligman .

For more than two decades, Vanderbildt has been doggedly pursued by hard-bitten Hungarian cop Ferenc Szolnok, whose determination to catch his quarry has cost him his marriage, his friendships – and very nearly his sanity. Szolnok thought that his cat-and-mouse search had finally come to an end when he cornered Vanderbildt in Bratislava on the roof of the Slovak Institute of Fine Arts. However, the Raffles-like thief improbably escaped when a helicopter, swooping down, lowered its ladder and Vanderbildt, with a deftness of touch honed from years spent on the polo field, leapt on, laughing as he flew over the head of the open-mouthed detective.

Asked by TMB whether it was not improbable that the Iraq War could be the exclusive responsibility of one man, no records of whom appear to exist, our source said, “Well, we had a choice – was it charismatic Vanderbildt, whose playful, devil-may-care exterior hides the deep sadness of one who once loved, but is now unable to feel any emotion beyond the thrill of the chase and the ecstacy of deceit? Or was it a catastrophic mess, a failure of intelligence coupled with a irrational urge to prosecute a land war, without thinking of its aftermath, driven more by the needs of a White House media plan than a belief in the necessity of fighting an increasingly meaningless ‘war on terror’? I know what I’d rather believe.”

Chilcot is understood to believe that a way to entrap Vanderbildt may lie in the person of Keligman’s assistant – enigmatic, mysterious, raven-haired beauty Antoinette Rossini. Could Szolnok seek to enlist her to snare his prey? Or is she not what, or who, she appears to be?

Giving his response to Chilcot’s findings, Tony Blair told TMB, “Vanderbildt? Curses! Of course, now it all makes sense. It could only have been him, that night in Trieste. How could I have let him slip through my fingers? Particularly bearing in mind his responsibility for the UK’s ruinously expensive contracts for the construction of hospitals under PFI.”

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