Tax returns “actually really boring”

by philapilus

This is not a tax return

In a surprise revelation today it was revealed surprisingly that tax returns are incredibly dull, after Jeremy Corbyn, George Osborne and Boris Johnson followed the prime minister’s example in publishing theirs.

David Cameron published his returns after accusations that he had misled the public over shares he owned in his father’s firm.

Critics described them as unpardonably dull, and “possessed of none of the excitement elicited when we found out he fucked that pig.”

But tax returns published by Corbyn, Osborne and Johnson also failed to capture the public’s interest this afternoon, with Mark Lawson declaiming “Any hint of juicy impropriety, any schadenfreude we might have hoped to indulge, has flatlined in the face of what are essentially bits of paper with numbers written on. Utterly dull. One star.”

Tim Twanks, unemployed tax taxonomist, said “By talking about their ‘unprecedented transparency’, and ‘a widespread culture of tax avoidance’, our lords and masters are neatly eliding the fact that what we are dealing with here is basically lying and scamming.

“For some reason stealing a loaf of bread is still a crime infinitely more frowned upon than good, sound chaps getting other good, sound chaps to help them fuck over the public purse to the tune of millions.

“But fortunately for them, it’s so dull that soon you’ll have forgotten all about – ooh look, football!”

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