Trump continues to reel following “handgate” allegations

by articulatedsheep

Donald Trump’s nomination hopes have taken a significant hit after a poor showing in Wisconsin, attributed in no small measure to the continued fallout from the so-called “handgate” allegations. In this column, we set out the background to these allegations – and why it is that they have placed a significant obstacle on the red-faced wankstain’s aspirations for the White House.

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Trump: “engorged”

For months, Trump’s opponents in both the Republican and Democratic Parties had struggled to lay a blow on the property mogul. Suggestions of inconsistency, policy flip-flopping, rabble-rousing and a simple lack of competence seemed to have made no impression on primary voters.

All that changed when reports began to circulate a few weeks ago that Trump has unnaturally tiny, weak hands.

Strategists realised that they had hit on a tactic as bizarrely Dadaist and incomprehensible as the candidate himself – and that this was why it had the potential to do so much damage.

Immediately, Hilary Clinton launched an attack ad focusing exclusively on the hand issue. A montage of black and white close-ups of Trump’s bizarrely mis-shapen hands was accompanied by a soundtrack of disgusted groans and dry retching. Republican opponent Ted Cruz swiftly followed, with an ad asking, “With hands like these, would Donald Trump even be able to press the nuclear button?” The sobering question was accompanied by footage of a Trump lookalike weeping as he attempted, with useless, Tyrannosaurus Rex-style arms, to hit a large red button on a desk, while a phalanx of men dressed as four-star Generals looked on in horror.

Trump – whose Secret Service codename is “Hamfucker”, on account both of his habit of plunging his tumescent penis into platters of cold meat at fundraising events, as well as his tempestuous on-off relationship with actor Jon Hamm – has struggled to respond to the allegations. In Wisconsin, he attempted to pull off a dramatic pivot. First, he has changed his campaign slogan from “Make America Great Again” to the more enigmatic “Death Is Coming”. Second, he has announced a raft of new policies – a pledge to set fire to the Moon, a promise to use federal funds to stage a shot-for-shot recreation of the classic Orson Welles film “The Magnificent Ambersons” with a cast entirely made up of sea otters, and a plan for “doing ‘Charlie’s Angels’, but in real life”. But none of these ideas have managed to stick with voters.

“Make no mistake,” said noted psephologist Nate Silver. “Trump is suddenly on the ropes, and both the Republicans and Democrats are lined up, itching to be the ones delivering the knockout blow. The irony is that the White House remains within his grasp – but given his horrific, tiny, limp hands, he won’t be able to grab onto it and pull himself in.”

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