Archive for April, 2016

April 30, 2016

Weasels in bid to stop humanity destroying universe

by philapilus
File:Mustela nivalis -British Wildlife Centre-4.jpg

Always on the alert

Weasels have sabotaged the Large Hadron Collider in Cern in a desperate attempt to stop scientists from ending all existence.

The news emerged after the discovery that one of the noble creatures bravely sacrificed himself chewing through some live wires.

Weasel Doug Shovel said “You humans are always meddling in things you don’t understand, but your fascination for

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April 24, 2016

Far right lead in Austria “nothing to worry about”

by philapilus
File:PortraitLHvers1870.jpg

The only bad thing that ever came out of Austria was lederhose

The 1st round victory for a far-right presidential candidate in Austria is “absolutely and categorically nothing to worry about” according to sources.

Hans Onmycok, political analyst and sandwich admirer, said “It’s not a big deal. Austria has a happy tradition of accomodating the extreme views of the far right without anything going wrong.

“If Norbert Hofer goes on to win he’ll probably be just as fine as the last right wing one we had. A bit zany perhaps, but no one we wouldn’t be publicly proud to

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April 20, 2016

“Sadiq Khan is muslim-coloured!” yells Cameron at PMQs

by philapilus
File:Sadiq Khan, September 2009.jpg

EXTREMISM!!!!!*

David Cameron caused considerable surprise today at Prime Minister’s Questions when he climbed up on the bench, pointed at Sadiq Khan MP, and shouted “Muuuussssslimmmmmm! Brrowwwwnn musssslim!”

As the prime minister continued to point and shriek, conservative MPs rose to their feet to get a better look at Khan, then joined the pm in horrified declamations.

“It was a terrifying spectacle,” said a Labour frontbencher, “just like in Invasion of the Bodysnatchers, when the

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April 15, 2016

Exclusive: Chilcot report expected to pin blame for Iraq war on “international jewel thief, Douglas Vanderbildt”

by articulatedsheep

Excerpts from the long-awaited Chilcot Report, leaked exclusively to TMB this evening, reveal the prime culprit of the Iraq War – believed to have contributed to the death of almost half a million Iraqis, as the country slid into chaos following the US-led invasion of 2003 – to be none other than international jewel thief Douglas Vanderbildt.

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April 13, 2016

Prince William reminded India is no longer a British possession

by philapilus

“No stay over there please, I can see you perfectly well from my carriage”

It has been¬†explained to Prince William that the days of empire are¬†over this morning, after he attempted to tell the Indian prime minister to “sort out this steel nonsense”.

On meeting prime minister Modi this morning, the prince handed him his coat and asked him to “go and fetch the viceroy chop chop, so we can stop you blighters ruining Port Talbot for everyone.”

After a hurried intervention by an aide, the perplexed William retrieved his coat, and addressed Mr Modi more directly, explaining that it was the

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April 11, 2016

Tax returns “actually really boring”

by philapilus
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This is not a tax return

In a surprise revelation today it was revealed surprisingly that tax returns are incredibly dull, after Jeremy Corbyn, George Osborne and Boris Johnson followed the prime minister’s example in publishing theirs.

David Cameron published his returns after accusations that he had misled the public over shares he owned in his father’s firm.

Critics described them as unpardonably dull, and “possessed of none of the

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April 7, 2016

Trump continues to reel following “handgate” allegations

by articulatedsheep

Donald Trump’s nomination hopes have taken a significant hit after a poor showing in Wisconsin, attributed in no small measure to the continued fallout from the so-called “handgate” allegations. In this column, we set out the background to these allegations – and why it is that they have placed a significant obstacle on the red-faced wankstain’s aspirations for the White House.

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Trump: “engorged”

For months, Trump’s opponents in both the Republican and Democratic Parties had struggled to lay a blow on the property mogul. Suggestions of inconsistency, policy flip-flopping, rabble-rousing and a simple lack of competence seemed to have made no impression on primary voters.

All that changed when reports began to circulate a few weeks ago that Trump has unnaturally tiny, weak hands.

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April 7, 2016

The Prime Minister’s statement on his father’s tax avoidance

by articulatedsheep

This evening, it has emerged that the Prime Minister personally profited from an investment vehicle that his father, Ian, established to manage his cash in the Bahamas. Mr. Cameron has published a statement which we publish in full below. In doing so, we would like to make the caveat that what follows is entirely made up.

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April 5, 2016

Iceland PM demoted to shelf-stacking over Panama Papers allegations

by philapilus

They’ll probably pin the takeover of equally dreadful proletariat foodshop Bejams on him too

The Prime Minister of Iceland Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson has resigned after accusations of concealing millions of dollars worth of assets, and has been returned to the shop floor.

A spokesman for Iceland – a store known for its budget frozen foods and cheap and cheerful Christmas ads starring Jason Donovan – said “We haven’t had a crisis like this since Kerry Katona got caught with the magic fairy dust.

“Sigmundur hasn’t just let himself down; he’s let down all the mums who

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April 3, 2016

US election – the other GOP candidates

by articulatedsheep

Such has been the relentless focus of the national and international media on Donald Trump, it is easy to forget that there are still two other Republican hopefuls in the race. As the prospect of a brokered convention grows greater, both are vying to be seen to party bigwigs that they can be the best compromise candidate. However, given that Trump is likely to go it alone as an independent if he fails to win the nomination, the personal character and political capital that these two men can command will be critical if the party hopes to hold its own when the nation votes in November. Who, then, are these men – Ted Cruz and John Kasich?

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