Osborne: “£4bn is nothing; I spend more on Pringles”

by philapilus
File:GeorgeOsborne2015.jpg

“It’s quite simple: if I take your money away, then the country is richer, which means you are better off”

George Osborne has defended yet further planned cuts to public spending, insisting that “£4bn is a tiny amount. That’s less than I spend a year on crisps. Seriously, I could shit more than that.”

The extra cuts will be announced in the chancellor’s 8th budget this Wednesday, and will be, says the chancellor “so insignificant that anyone who complains is obviously just a moany bum-sniffer.”

Critics have pointed out that flogging off public assets was supposed to have made the economy buoyant by now, and have questioned whether the long-promised economic recovery can be achieved by knocking over pensioners and stealing their pennies.

But Osborne said “Oh shut up all of you. It’s not like I am demanding a millionty-trillion quid from your personal savings. Although if any of you have got a millionty-trillion quid that would be useful?”

Obi-Wan Kenobi lookalike Jeremy Corbyn said “My worry is that this is going to be mean taking even more money from vulnerable groups like the disabled to fill the holes in the chancellor’s financial plans and pay for corporate tax-breaks.

“We in the Labour party would never do that. Seriously, we’d buy everyone’s gran a packet of Rich Tea biscuits and charge it to the Royal Family.”

The chancellor responded by calling Mr Corbyn “A huge arse” and went on to add “Anyway, we don’t even need the disabled. They’re not good at banking or asset-stripping or anything; what do we keep paying them a stipend for?

“Useless, useless people.”

 

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