Trump blames bad earpiece for haircut

by philapilus

“This terrible microphone is making all my words come out batshit mad as well”

On the eve of Super Tuesday Donald Trump has announced that a faulty electronic earpiece is to blame for his failure to communicate normally with other humans, and also for his extraordinary hairstyle.

Trump expanded on an earlier statement – that his failure to condemn Ku Klux Klansman David Duke during a CNN interview was down to poor audio – to link the earpiece additionally to his inability to remember, cogitate, speak or perform basic motor activities such as controlling his tremulous jowls.

The tycoon and presidential hopeful said “I’ve got bad – a bad – you know the earpiece they gave me is – it – sometimes things look green if you don’t eat frozen poop – but listen if you want great – a great leader to – look, my wallet is bigger than a brick – I can’t hear because Trump’s ear sounds like bees.

“I’m not the umbrella man – the earwig keeps talking to me about starting fires. But the money keeps the survivors quiet.”

Trump’s campaign manager Doug Shovel clarified his statement “Donald is actually a highly intellectual, stylish man, whose interactions with people have been ruined by the fact he just can’t hear anyone properly.

“That’s why he asks for his hair to be done like that; he’s just aurally confused and unable to explain anything.”

Asked if Trump would be removing the faulty earpiece so as to give a proper disavowal of racists, or to get a haircut that doesn’t churn the stomach, Shovel looked panicky for a moment and replied “Um…no, no sadly it can’t come out yet.

“But if you elect him it will definitely be replaced as soon as he’s sworn in and can’t be removed from office until next term.”

 

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