Archive for March, 2016

March 30, 2016

Shake it all about campaigners join Brexit row

by philapilus

Come on, everybody: ‘That’s what it’s all about…’

As the UK referendum on Eu membership draws closer, the In and Out campaigns have been blindsided by the unexpected development of a new ‘Shake it all about’ faction.

Though it has joined the battle over Britain’s future somewhat late in the day, pundits agree that the Shake it all about campaign has already made a powerful impression on the public imagination.

SIAB advocate Geoff Shovel explained the resonance of the movement.”This morning former

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March 30, 2016

Thing not related to terrorism or Trump happens

by philapilus

As yet no one has speculated that the thing could be something to do with giraffes

There have been unconfirmed reports suggesting that a thing happened this morning which as yet appears to have no relation to terrorism or to Donald Trump.

The thing happened just as rolling 24/7 news channels replayed footage of Donald Trump wiggling his jowls, and shortly before some more analysis of terrorism came on.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School for News Analysis and Horticulture, said “It looks very

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March 21, 2016

IDS to roam the country righting wrongs

by philapilus

“And every stop I make, I make a new friend. Can’t stay for long, just turn around, and I’m gone again. Maaybeeee tomorrrrroooowwww….”

Iain Duncan Smith has said that his resignation from cabinet is motivated by a wish “finally to fulfil my longheld dream of being a peripatetic do-gooder; helping the needy and giving company to the lonely. A modern-day Littlest Hobo, if you will.”

Speaking to Andrew Marr, the former work and pensions secretary said he was “tired of fighting against the Conservative party to get them to do the right thing.

“I only

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March 19, 2016

Labour plans weeklong campaign on the abolition of the Agricultural Wages Board

by articulatedsheep

Labour communications supremo Seumas Milne was reportedly “putting the finishing touches” to the party’s “week of action” on the abolition of the body that regulated wages for those in the agricultural sector, in the runup to Easter.

In a move likely to surprise commentators who might have expected the party to capitalise on the resignation of Iain Duncan Smith and open warfare in the Cabinet over Europe and cuts and disability benefits, Milne reportedly considers that there is “more long term traction” in a detailed dissection of the Government’s policies relating to the rural economy.

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March 19, 2016

Trump finally sets out demands to negotiators

by articulatedsheep

After a tense standoff that has last more than a year, Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has finally contacted police negotiators with a list of demands.


“People have asked me, ‘Is your penis really this long?’ – to which I say, ‘Yes. Yes, sir, it is. It’s my penis. The only penis I know. A true, brave, American penis.’ So to those who’d make jokes about my penis, I say this to you – you are making jokes about America. You are making fun of America. And that isn’t so far away from what the terrorists are doing, right now, on our streets and in our grade schools, poisoning the minds of our children. And in a very real sense – and I believe this very strongly – the children are our future. And that is why all those who make jokes about my penis are terrorists, child abusers and time criminals under the terms of the Temporal Ordinances. Does that answer your question?”

Trump is understood to be using the risk of his becoming leader of the free world as a bargaining chip to extract a variety of concessions from law enforcement agencies, in return for withdrawing from the Republican nomination race and leaving hapless opponent Ted Cruz unharmed.

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March 14, 2016

Osborne: “£4bn is nothing; I spend more on Pringles”

by philapilus

“It’s quite simple: if I take your money away, then the country is richer, which means you are better off”

George Osborne has defended yet further planned cuts to public spending, insisting that “£4bn is a tiny amount. That’s less than I spend a year on crisps. Seriously, I could shit more than that.”

The extra cuts will be announced in the chancellor’s 8th budget this Wednesday, and will be, says the chancellor “so insignificant that anyone who complains is obviously just a moany bum-sniffer.”

Critics have

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March 8, 2016

Nike drop Sharapova for wrong kind of ethical breach

by philapilus
File:Logo nike principal.jpg

Hypocrisy: tick

Sports giant Nike have announced they are suspending sponsorship of Maria Sharapova after she failed a drug test, because “as ethical breaches go this is not a lucrative one”.

Spokesperson Percy Spoke explained “As far as we are concerned, Maria has committed an abominable act that does not help our bottom line.

“We are proud of our unblemished and morally sound business record, and are

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March 1, 2016

Trump blames bad earpiece for haircut

by philapilus

“This terrible microphone is making all my words come out batshit mad as well”

On the eve of Super Tuesday Donald Trump has announced that a faulty electronic earpiece is to blame for his failure to communicate normally with other humans, and also for his extraordinary hairstyle.

Trump expanded on an earlier statement – that his failure to condemn Ku Klux Klansman David Duke during a CNN interview was down to poor audio – to link the earpiece additionally to his inability to remember, cogitate, speak or perform basic motor activities such as controlling his tremulous jowls.

The tycoon and presidential hopeful said “I’ve got bad – a bad – you know the earpiece they gave me is – it – sometimes things look green if you don’t eat frozen poop – but listen if you want great – a great leader to – look, my wallet is bigger than a brick – I can’t

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