Archive for February, 2016

February 23, 2016

Millions without water in Delhi ‘faking it to get our money’, say Brits

by philapilus

In it for the money

Britons convinced that the world’s population exists only to leech off the UK explained today how unnecessary foreign aid is, and how the ten million people without water in Delhi are “just trying to get pity-cash off us”.

Vera Cockroach, a sack of pus in vaguely humanoid form, said “I’m not being racist but foreigners just want it easy.

“Kicking up such a huge fuss just cos they have to wait a bit for the plumber to fix the stopcock, or whatever

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February 23, 2016

30-somethings shocked after Friends’ cast reunion is crap

by philapilus
File:Friends logo.svg

Yeah, but who gives a fuck anymore?

The TV reunion of most of the cast of Friends (apart from the one who couldn’t be bothered to turn up) was not the best thing ever, admitted disappointed fans today.

Lacking a script, youthful demeanor, a story, and the one actor who was quite funny, the stars sat down and did bugger-all for 2 hours – to everyone’s surprise.

Wendy Nailinthehead, IT drone, said “Me and my girls thought it would be amazing, and that we would all be magically transported back to our early carefree twenties, when we were cool.

“Instead we spent an evening listening to boring anecdotes from

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February 15, 2016

UK delighted as HSBC says it can come off the naughty step

by philapilus

Happily, Selfless Bankers Care

Celebrations spontaneously broke out in the streets today, after HSBC told Britain that it had decided the country had learned its lesson, and so the self-styled gentle giant wouldn’t be leaving after all.

Percy Spoke, spokesperson for HSBC, said “As you all know, we very, very seriously thought about moving our headquarters out of the UK after you all stamped your little feet and demanded we be somehow ‘regulated’.

“But – selflessly – we have decided to stay and carry on looking after you. To that end you can

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February 11, 2016

Top Gear presenters revealed!

by philapilus

Brrrrm brrrrrm goes fast; make all little boys excited

The full line-up of Top Gear presenters has finally been revealed, and TMB brings you the lowdown on all of them:

John Maynard Keynes: Keynes is a huge fan of governmental intervention within the economy, steerage of which can be best achieved through public expenditure or fiscal policies. He will be mostly based in the studio.

Milton Friedman: by contrast Milton Friedman is the main advocate of monetarism, and preferred deregulation and adherence to the quantitative theory of the money supply. As such he is the chalk to Keynes’ cheese; expect lots of

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February 9, 2016

Cameron’s mother furious after Mirror headline error

by philapilus

Enter a caption

David Cameron’s mother has expressed her rage today after the Daily Mirror ran with the headline ‘Cameron’s mum fights tory cuts’.

“I am sick and tired of newspaper staff failing to do simple spellchecks” said the former magistrate, “Obviously I am

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February 3, 2016

Lego frustrated at ‘1st disabled minifigure’ misunderstanding

by philapilus

Some of Lego’s earliest characters were the thalidomide triplets

Lego has expressed its annoyance after fans wrongly claimed that a new set containing a Lego man in a wheelchair represents the first disabled minifigure the company has produced.

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “It’s nice that fans are praising the appearance of a wheelchair user in a set we are releasing later this year.

“But as a company that has always featured disabilities in our product range, we do

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February 3, 2016

Death to have February off

by philapilus

 

Deserved: he has been a very busy boy after all

The Grim reaper has announced that he is going to have a quiet month, having worked extra hard culling some big names in January.

Death said “Having taken down actors Frank Finlay and Alan Rickman, musician David Bowie, and lovable highwayman Terry Wogan – amongst others – I really feel like I’ve earned some time off.

“I am going to spend February on a beautiful island paradise in the Caribbean, letting shoals of little fish nibble at my toebones whilst tanning my skull. It will

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