Match-fixing ‘rampant’ in lawn bowls

by philapilus

Particularly nefarious teams often name themselves after vicious street-gangs; pictured here are the ‘Hiccupton Hells Angels’

The world of sport was further rocked by controversy today, after it transpired that amateur bowls is plagued by match-fixing.

The BBC’s revelations of match-fixing in tennis earlier this morning caused front-page outrage, but the story has been knocked off the headline green by the news that the phenomenon is also widespread in the bowls game.

Investigative journalist Samantha Furcup said “You might think bowls is about gentle-looking old folk standing around in their white clothes and carefully rolling their big balls at very slow speeds.

“But in fact it is a den of cheating, vice, and illegal gambling, with players often being offered thousands of ha’pennies to throw a game.”

It has also been claimed that match fixing in the lawn bowls game is not only enacted through financial incentives, but can also be enforced by severe punishments inflicted on those who refuse to cheat.

One witness, who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals, said “Match fixing’s rampant, and woebetide anyone who doesn’t ‘have crooked balls’, as we say.

“I know one elderly lady who refused to throw a game in a league match in Little Shitton, and she received such a savage beating that she had to have her hip replaced.

“Well, she had to have her existing hip replacement replaced, anyway.”

Geoff Shovel, head of the Lawn Bowling Association, was accosted by journalists outside the chiropractor’s today, who asked if his position had become untenable.

Though he  refused to comment directly on the truth of the allegations across the wider sport, Shovel said “I want to make it clear that I personally have never taken a bribe in relation to a bowls match.

“This sack of Murray Mints I am carrying is, er… a present from my grandson! Yes, that’s what it is. Very generous lad.”


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