Jakarta attacks spoiling focus on Rickman’s death and ’69 club’ speculation

by philapilus

“No one’s saying it’s not sad, but seriously, what the actual fuck is wrong with people?”

The deaths of some Indonesian people are taking up valuable news space which could better be used to lament the late David Bowie and Alan Rickman, say experts.

Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Stuff said today “Analysis of trending news reveals too much attention is being given to some nobodies in Jakarta who you have never heard of.

“What we need to be focussing our attention on, as a civilised, moral country, is whether the deaths of Bowie and Rickman – both at the age of 69 – are proof that the so-called 27 club of dead celebrities is being replaced by a new 69 club of dead celebrities.

“It is vital that we settle this.”

McEyebrau’s warning came after many members of the public complained about seeing the Jakarta news sneakily hanging around in the top 10 stories on the BBC website, with only one story devoted to Bowie’s cremation, and another one to Rickman’s demise.

Tributes flooded in for Rickman this lunchtime. Long-time enemy Bruce Willis said “He was still alive? I thought he died when I pushed him off that building?” while Ralph Fiennes added “To be honest I thought that snake killed him. Cancer would have been slower. Pity.”

However, lamentably few Indonesians bothered to write anything about him, cementing their reputation as a nation of self-absorbed trivial bastards.

Wendy Nailinthehead, a die-hard fan of Die Hard said “Alan Rickman, who was a great actor and whose passing away is a genuine loss to theatre and cinema, might have modestly felt that his death was less newsworthy than another religious-inspired killing spree.

“He would have been wrong, and so are you if you think that. Get your priorites straight.”

Meanwhile someone in Jakarta, who you won’t know, finally noticed and said “Oh no! Alan Rickman died?! Quick everyone, get these corpses out the way and let’s start an all-night vigil in his memory .”

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