Jobs are definitely shit, everyone confirms

by philapilus

Like an apocalypse for the soul

Everyone has agreed that work is definitively “fucking awful”, following the annual horror of returning to work after the Christmas break.

Research by the Slough Institute for Misanthropy found that over 68% of people wanted to kill somebody during their first post-holiday commute, and 97% of people spent most of the morning crying in the toilets or hiding under their desks.

Working mum, Samantha Furcup, said “Our family Christmas was horrible, obviously. The kids were a bloody nightmare, and I nearly knifed my racist in-laws over the turkey because of their comments about Turkey, but somehow going back to my job on Monday was even worse.

“I don’t ‘wish it could be Christmas every day’, because that would be dreadful, but I do wish I didn’t have to do mindless chores in a room full of people I hate for a pathetic amount of money.”

Geoff Shovel, office manager, said “You have no idea how unhappy I have been since January 4th. I’ve tried to make my subordinates as unhappy as possible, and even that only cheered me up a tiny bit.”

But estate agent Mike Unt said “I spent my holidays in profound reflection over the nature of my job; making everyone miserable about their future as my profession drives up house prices, throwing homeowners and renters alike into depression and uncertainty.

“But over Christmas I knew all those people were sitting at home, enjoying being together for a few precious hours, with no one fleecing them or making their accomodation seem inadequate. Everyone, for a brief moment, in a state of happiness.

“It made me physically sick, and I couldn’t wait to get back to work so I could destroy it.”

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