Corbyn in ‘crazed purge’ as shadow cabinet decimated

by philapilus

“Hilary Benn will be first against the wall come the Revolution”

There was bleak news from Labour this morning, after dissidents alerted the world to the fact that megalomaniacal leader Jeremy Corbyn has begun “an epic Stalinist-style cull of his shadow ministers”.

Whitehall sources and Labour defectors managed to smuggle the news out of the notoriously isolationist Labour party HQ, by wrapping it in a paper towel and pretending it was human faeces.

It was then passed on to the courageous British media, who wasted no time in heroically outlining just how bloodthirsty Corbyn – the self-styled ‘Chairman For Life’ – really is.

“He has axed Michael Dugher,” said one dissident who refused to give his name for fear of reprisals, “No, seriously, Corbyn literally ran into the room waving an axe and screaming, and then he hacked off Mike’s legs below the knees. It was brutal.

“I don’t know what he did to Angela Eagle, but she can’t walk properly and weeps uncontrollably every time someone mentions tea.”

The shadow cabinet reshuffle, which is not something any self-respecting Conservative leader would ever dream of doing, is expected to continue into the afternoon, with Corbyn’s special agents, dressed in flatcaps and long shabby coats, breaking into MPs second homes and dragging them before the Beloved Leader.

Chillingly, Corbyn’s only response to accusations of his unmitigated and savage barbarism came when he said to reporters “Would you mind coming back in a bit? I just want to finish my marmite sandwich.

“It’s nourishing and not at all profligate.”

What a bastard.

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: