Archive for January, 2016

January 31, 2016

Lord Farmer leads campaign to save British peers

by philapilus

It wouldn’t be such a problem if the Lords and Ladies didn’t have such a restricted diet, but unfortunately the only way they can survive is if you stuff hundreds and hundreds of these into their mouths

Senior treasurer of the Conservative party, Baron Michael Farmer, has unveiled a new campaign to save  endangered British peers, after his research revealed that the breed is almost extinct.

Lord Farmer said “I want to draw the nation’s attention to an extremely urgent issue; the paucity of the habitat for lords and ladies, many of whom are going so hungry that they may migrate from London for good.

“If the public knew that the only sustenance available to these noble creatures is a measly £300 per day, I think you would see a real outcry. I mean, for one of the aristocracy £300 is nothing; barely the equivalent of half a Mars Bar to the average Jocelyn on the street. No wonder the

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January 25, 2016

On this day: 25th January

by philapilus
File:Hippo Indigestion.jpg

Mob bosses found the exhilarating game was a useful way to settle their differences without bloodshed

TMB’s regular feature devoted to improving the public’s historical knowledge, reminding our readers that the past clings to the weft and weave of the present like the stubborn chubnuts after a vindaloo…

1925: notorious gangster Al Capone invents the game of Hungry Hungry Hippos

1953: Southend is destroyed when a huge interstellar alien craft falls from

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January 18, 2016

Match-fixing ‘rampant’ in lawn bowls

by philapilus

Particularly nefarious teams often name themselves after vicious street-gangs; pictured here are the ‘Hiccupton Hells Angels’

The world of sport was further rocked by controversy today, after it transpired that amateur bowls is plagued by match-fixing.

The BBC’s revelations of match-fixing in tennis earlier this morning caused front-page outrage, but the story has been knocked off the headline green by the news that the phenomenon is also widespread in the bowls game.

Investigative journalist Samantha Furcup said “You might think bowls is about gentle-looking old folk standing around in their white clothes and carefully

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January 14, 2016

Jakarta attacks spoiling focus on Rickman’s death and ’69 club’ speculation

by philapilus

“No one’s saying it’s not sad, but seriously, what the actual fuck is wrong with people?”

The deaths of some Indonesian people are taking up valuable news space which could better be used to lament the late David Bowie and Alan Rickman, say experts.

Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Stuff said today “Analysis of trending news reveals too much attention is being given to some nobodies in Jakarta who you have never heard of.

“What we need to be focussing our attention on, as a civilised, moral country, is whether the deaths of Bowie and Rickman – both at the age of 69 – are proof that the so-called 27 club of dead celebrities is being replaced by a new 69 club of dead celebrities.

“It is

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January 14, 2016

2015 in Headlines

by philapilus

Lenin was amongst the famous people who died in 2015, along with such other political luminaries as Michael Ball, Michael Bolton, Michael Buble and Michael Bay. Astoundingly, Keith Richards survived yet another year

In our annual January attempt to avoid anything as strenuous as finding new news, TMB presents some of the more notable stories appearing in UK newspapers from last year:

Forensic science claims Jesus was spitting image of Brian Blessed

Ed Miliband ‘froze to death’ in park drinking meths on Christmas day

“I just want to kill the Jews” Trump reveals motivation

One Direction revealed as

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January 11, 2016

Corbyn ‘pretended his Twitter was hacked’ after drunken tweets

by philapilus
File:Jeremy Corbyn No More War crop.jpg

Feeling and looking rough as f*ck

Jeremy Corbyn has admitted this morning that he lied about his Twitter account being hacked, after making a series of unwise drunken tweets last night.

The leader of the opposition addressed a press conference in a pained whisper. Holding a cold flannel to his forehead and shutting his eyes tightly, he said “Look, I’m really sorry. Both for the inappropriate tweets and for lying, but please just leave me alone with

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January 11, 2016

Death of David Bowie reminding everyone what real music sounds like

by philapilus
File:David Bowie Chile.jpg

Beautiful, brilliant, and depressingly about to receive the shit Cover treatment from every single musician on The Voice and X-Factor

The untimely death of musical legend David Bowie from cancer has made everyone realise just how shit most music is now, and exactly how fucking brilliant the man was.

The beloved rockstar’s innovation, stylish androgyny and ability to reinvent himself creatively, made him a household name.

The ubiquitous airtime suddenly given to Bowie this morning has sharply reminded listeners that music doesn’t have to be utter wank, and that it is possible to

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January 6, 2016

Jobs are definitely shit, everyone confirms

by philapilus

Like an apocalypse for the soul

Everyone has agreed that work is definitively “fucking awful”, following the annual horror of returning to work after the Christmas break.

Research by the Slough Institute for Misanthropy found that over 68% of people wanted to kill somebody during their first post-holiday commute, and 97% of people spent most of the morning crying in the toilets or hiding under their desks.

Working mum, Samantha Furcup, said “Our family Christmas was horrible, obviously. The kids were

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January 5, 2016

Corbyn in ‘crazed purge’ as shadow cabinet decimated

by philapilus

“Hilary Benn will be first against the wall come the Revolution”

There was bleak news from Labour this morning, after dissidents alerted the world to the fact that megalomaniacal leader Jeremy Corbyn has begun “an epic Stalinist-style cull of his shadow ministers”.

Whitehall sources and Labour defectors managed to smuggle the news out of the notoriously isolationist Labour party HQ, by wrapping it in a paper towel and pretending it was human faeces.

It was then passed on to the courageous British media, who wasted no time in heroically

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