January 31, 2016
by philapilus
It wouldn’t be such a problem if the Lords and Ladies didn’t have such a restricted diet, but unfortunately the only way they can survive is if you stuff hundreds and hundreds of these into their mouths
Senior treasurer of the Conservative party, Baron Michael Farmer, has unveiled a new campaign to save endangered British peers, after his research revealed that the breed is almost extinct.
Lord Farmer said “I want to draw the nation’s attention to an extremely urgent issue; the paucity of the habitat for lords and ladies, many of whom are going so hungry that they may migrate from London for good.
“If the public knew that the only sustenance available to these noble creatures is a measly £300 per day, I think you would see a real outcry. I mean, for one of the aristocracy £300 is nothing; barely the equivalent of half a Mars Bar to the average Jocelyn on the street. No wonder the
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Posted in Politics, Satire |
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January 25, 2016
by philapilus
Mob bosses found the exhilarating game was a useful way to settle their differences without bloodshed
TMB’s regular feature devoted to improving the public’s historical knowledge, reminding our readers that the past clings to the weft and weave of the present like the stubborn chubnuts after a vindaloo…
1925: notorious gangster Al Capone invents the game of Hungry Hungry Hippos
1953: Southend is destroyed when a huge interstellar alien craft falls from
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January 18, 2016
by philapilus
Particularly nefarious teams often name themselves after vicious street-gangs; pictured here are the ‘Hiccupton Hells Angels’
The world of sport was further rocked by controversy today, after it transpired that amateur bowls is plagued by match-fixing.
The BBC’s revelations of match-fixing in tennis earlier this morning caused front-page outrage, but the story has been knocked off the headline green by the news that the phenomenon is also widespread in the bowls game.
Investigative journalist Samantha Furcup said “You might think bowls is about gentle-looking old folk standing around in their white clothes and carefully
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Posted in Crime, Society, Sport |
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January 14, 2016
by philapilus
“No one’s saying it’s not sad, but seriously, what the actual fuck is wrong with people?”
The deaths of some Indonesian people are taking up valuable news space which could better be used to lament the late David Bowie and Alan Rickman, say experts.
Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Stuff said today “Analysis of trending news reveals too much attention is being given to some nobodies in Jakarta who you have never heard of.
“What we need to be focussing our attention on, as a civilised, moral country, is whether the deaths of Bowie and Rickman – both at the age of 69 – are proof that the so-called 27 club of dead celebrities is being replaced by a new 69 club of dead celebrities.
“It is
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Posted in Celebrity, Entertainment, Film |
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January 14, 2016
by philapilus
Lenin was amongst the famous people who died in 2015, along with such other political luminaries as Michael Ball, Michael Bolton, Michael Buble and Michael Bay. Astoundingly, Keith Richards survived yet another year
In our annual January attempt to avoid anything as strenuous as finding new news, TMB presents some of the more notable stories appearing in UK newspapers from last year:
Forensic science claims Jesus was spitting image of Brian Blessed
Ed Miliband ‘froze to death’ in park drinking meths on Christmas day
“I just want to kill the Jews” Trump reveals motivation
One Direction revealed as
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Posted in History, International, Journalism, Society |
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January 11, 2016
by philapilus
Feeling and looking rough as f*ck
Jeremy Corbyn has admitted this morning that he lied about his Twitter account being hacked, after making a series of unwise drunken tweets last night.
The leader of the opposition addressed a press conference in a pained whisper. Holding a cold flannel to his forehead and shutting his eyes tightly, he said “Look, I’m really sorry. Both for the inappropriate tweets and for lying, but please just leave me alone with
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January 11, 2016
by philapilus
Beautiful, brilliant, and depressingly about to receive the shit Cover treatment from every single musician on The Voice and X-Factor
The untimely death of musical legend David Bowie from cancer has made everyone realise just how shit most music is now, and exactly how fucking brilliant the man was.
The beloved rockstar’s innovation, stylish androgyny and ability to reinvent himself creatively, made him a household name.
The ubiquitous airtime suddenly given to Bowie this morning has sharply reminded listeners that music doesn’t have to be utter wank, and that it is possible to
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January 6, 2016
by philapilus
Like an apocalypse for the soul
Everyone has agreed that work is definitively “fucking awful”, following the annual horror of returning to work after the Christmas break.
Research by the Slough Institute for Misanthropy found that over 68% of people wanted to kill somebody during their first post-holiday commute, and 97% of people spent most of the morning crying in the toilets or hiding under their desks.
Working mum, Samantha Furcup, said “Our family Christmas was horrible, obviously. The kids were
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Posted in Society, UK |
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January 5, 2016
by philapilus
“Hilary Benn will be first against the wall come the Revolution”
There was bleak news from Labour this morning, after dissidents alerted the world to the fact that megalomaniacal leader Jeremy Corbyn has begun “an epic Stalinist-style cull of his shadow ministers”.
Whitehall sources and Labour defectors managed to smuggle the news out of the notoriously isolationist Labour party HQ, by wrapping it in a paper towel and pretending it was human faeces.
It was then passed on to the courageous British media, who wasted no time in heroically
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