2016 New Year’s Honours: Lynton Crosby knighted for services to Darkness

by philapilus

Crosby’s successful work on the Tory campaign has enabled Cameron and Osborne to continue their brilliant reign of plenty for another 5 years

Labour has complained vociferously at the news that Tory campaign manager Lynton Crosby is being knighted after orchestrating the resounding 2015 Conservative electoral victory.

Sir Crosby is receiving his honour for “Services to the Realm of Eternal Darkness”, in recognition of his essential work in establishing Cameron’s Second Reich.

But newly-minted Labour peer Baron Spencer Livermore argued that “peerages for those orchestrating political campaigns are an outrageous exercise in hypocritical cronyism.

“And you should listen to me because I’m a baron, even if my attempts to help Labour win the last election were unsuccessful…. um… is it just me, or am I on ridicously sticky ground here?”

Other honours recipients include:

  • A knighthood for Jeremy Clarkson, in recognition of his services to boxing
  • A knighthood for Tyson Fury, in recognition of his services to music
  • An OBE goes to Holly Holm, for services to finally shutting Ronda Rousey the hell up
  • Another OBE goes to Benedict Cumberbatch, for services to Sherlock Holmes
  • A CBE for Bill Cosby, due to a clerical error which it would be far too embarrassing for Her Majesty’s Government to own up to or attempt to retract
  • An earldom for Sir John Major, in recognition of sporting victories in athletics, at Wimbledon and captaining the All Blacks to world cup victory – all in 2015, and all whilst wearing a suit and tie
  • An MBE for everyone who lives in Chipping Norton
  • OBE for Katie Hopkins in recognition of the sheer volume of diarrhoeic filth she has spewed out of her camel-like face, creating thousands of jobs in the sewage industry
  • Dame Commander of the Order of the Bath for Dawn French, who has sat in the tub eating chocolate since May
  • Dame Commander of the Order of the Bath is not going to Malala Yousafzai, but should because she is FUCKING AWESOME

Critics of the honours system include George Galloway, who said “Not only did I not get all the honours, I didn’t even get one! Again! Clearly the system is broken.”

 

 

 

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