Christmas album releases in full

by articulatedsheep

“It’s Christmaaaas!”, to quote the deathless words of Noddy Holder.

Nothing more embodies the spirit of the season than the Christmas cash-in single – or, indeed, album. While the singles spot will be a tussle between [insert name of X-Factor winner’s insipid cover version] and Adele, the contest for number 1 album is likely to be a more open affair. Here are some of the key runners and riders.

A$$FUKKA Volume 1 (Cliff Richard): something of a musical departure for the septuagenarian crooner, this album merges Cliff’s classic style with a squelchy mix of UKG and grime.

Carole King Sings Carols from Kings (Carole King): self-explanatory.

Anton Reads The Bible (Anton du Beke): the ever-popular Strictly professional dancer reads the entire King James Bible in this unexpurgated 142-disc set.

Howls of Despair (Rodney Bewes): the former star of TV sitcoms “The Likely Lads” and “Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads” presents 115 minutes of him screaming in anguish at the futility and meaninglessness of his pitiful existence – the ideal accompaniment to Christmas lunch!

Christmas Sound Effects No. 14 (KPM): crank up the speakers and relive the quality of this fully remastered version of Britain’s top selling sound effects album of 1974. Includes the ever-popular “Snow Crunching Underfoot”, “Christmas Morning Church Bells”, “Sizzling Pigs in Blankets” and “Crackling Open Log Fire”, which if turned up loud enough will drown out the sounds of your own dysfunctional, tense and miserable Christmas Day.

Minstrel (Peter Andre): spend the Yuletide season with Peter Andre, as he entertains with this classic compilation of old-time songs from black-and-white minstrel shows. Throughout the album, he’s joined on vocals by his children, ON ACCOUNT OF HIM BEING A REALLY, REALLY GREAT DAD NO SHUT UP HE IS.

I Love You Babe (Baby) (Babe) (Amendment) (England) Regulations 2015 (Zayn Malik): this is a joke about the frequent use of parentheses in both poor quality, sleazy songs by male solo performers, and in the titles of UK statutory instruments – the fact that this needs to be explained suggests that it is both enormously obscure, and not especially amusing, for which our apologies.

Beethoven: Bagatelles Op 33, 119 and 126 (Alfred Brendel ft Jess Glynn)

Now That’s What I Call Christmas! Plainsong (Various Artists, The Monks of Santo Domingo de Silos): some all-time Christmas classic pop songs – Mariah, Wizzard, Slade and many others – translated into church Latin and rendered into Gregorian plainsong. Fantastic to accompany a Christmas Eve party.

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