Archive for December, 2015

December 31, 2015

2016 New Year’s Honours: Lynton Crosby knighted for services to Darkness

by philapilus

Crosby’s successful work on the Tory campaign has enabled Cameron and Osborne to continue their brilliant reign of plenty for another 5 years

Labour has complained vociferously at the news that Tory campaign manager Lynton Crosby is being knighted after orchestrating the resounding 2015 Conservative electoral victory.

Sir Crosby is receiving his honour for “Services to the Realm of Eternal Darkness”, in recognition of his essential work in establishing Cameron’s Second Reich.

But newly-minted Labour peer Baron Spencer Livermore argued that “peerages for those orchestrating political campaigns are an outrageous exercise in hypocritical cronyism.

“And you should listen to me because I’m a baron, even if my attempts to help Labour win the last election were unsuccessful…. um… is it just me, or

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December 12, 2015

Female obesity is a really large, oversized problem, says medical expert

by philapilus

England’s chief medical officer Dame Sally Davies has said that the increasing number of women who are overweight is an enormous problem, which is really not getting any smaller.

Dame Sally said “This is the biggest single health-problem for females, and it’s growing constantly.

“It’s not going to go away, it’s just going to get more and more massive, until it blocks out the sun. It amounts to a gigantic

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December 11, 2015

Mugabe backs Hopkins on backing Trump

by philapilus

‘England’s Rose’: according to Peter Sutcliffe, 84% of people consider Katie Hopkins to be the epitome of beauty

Robert Mugabe has this morning weighed into the argument over Donald Trump’s call for a US Muslim ban, claiming that “65% of all Britons agree with Katie Hopkins that at least 25% of all Britons agree with Donald Trump. Britain First! America First! Rights for Whites!”

Mugabe’s words were immediately backed by Kim Jong Un, whose support for Mugabe was subsequently backed by ISIS, who claimed that 3.3bn people (including themselves) had signed a petition calling for Trump to be king of the world.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Fuckwit-Analysis said “This is not the first time this has happened; a bigoted twat comes up with some spurious bullshit, which is immediately backed by an even bigger moron who invents some statistics, which are

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December 10, 2015

Daily Mail launches appeal to fix teeth of Lee Rigby killer

by philapilus

The Britain First campaign is asking the public to imagine Lee Rigby as “a little Christmas elf, who would want us all to join together in the spirit of charity”

The Daily Mail newspaper has announced a charitable appeal in order to raise funds for Michael Adebolago’s dental work.

The newspaper learned that the killer of Lee Rigby had lost two front teeth whilst being restrained by prison officers, and immediately decided to help.

Mail spokesperson, Mike Ock, said “Our paper is not just about cutting-edge journalism, we’re also about compassion. Lots of compassion. When we heard

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December 9, 2015

The TMB rundown of top festive book buys

by articulatedsheep

What better gift to give during the season of goodwill than the gift of knowledge? If you’re the kind of insufferable arsehole who gives people books for Christmas, the publishing industry (such as it is) will be happy to take large amounts of money off you – but what are the most mediocre tomes available in Waterstone’s, or sitting haphazardly on a shelf in WH Smith next to a chiller cabinet inexplicably full of copies of the Daily Telegraph?

Here’s a list.

Timecop, Harper Lee. Lee’s long-anticipated third book, rather than a continuation of the world so vividly realised in ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ and ‘Go Set a Watchman’, is a novelisation of the 1994 Jean Claude van Damme action film Timecop. Critics are already eagerly anticipating her follow-up, a novelisation of the Steven Seagal film Under Siege 2.

Time to Die, Rodney Bewes. Is life an unremitting, bleak and meaningless charade? Would it just be better to end it all, and embrace the all-consuming, peaceful embrace of death? Star of hit BBCtv series ‘The Likely Lads’ and ‘Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads’, Rodney Bewes, takes readers step-by-step through some of the most popular methods of suicide – from old standards like hanging, to more modern and ironic ways of taking your own life, like leaping from the roof of the Dignitas clinic in Zurich. The ideal gift for a stubbornly alive and wealthy but elderly relative, or a despised older sibling.

A Very Bravo Two Zero Christmas, Andy McNab. ‘I grimaced. The SA80 was a decent squaddie’s weapon – fairly tasty in a close quarters firefight – and god knows it had got me out of a few jams. But on a long distance shot like this, and without a proper sight, I was going to need a steady hand to take Father Christmas out. I squinted, squeezed the trigger, and watched with grim satisfaction as a puff of red, matching the big man’s coat, blew out of the back of Saint Nick’s head, just before he crumpled to the ground’.

The Big Book of Suppurating Wounds. One of a number of coffee table books doing the rounds this season, this compilation of 117 pin-sharp, blown-up pictures of oozing, pus-filled wounds on all parts of the human body is a must for flicking through after Christmas lunch.

Find Out What Happened When These 28 French Huguenots Fled Their Homeland Following the Revocation of the Edict of Nantes… Number 14 Will Blow Your Mind!, David S. Katz. BuzzFeed’s ill-advised foray into the world of academic history.

My Story, Bruce Forsyth. Brucie’s latest autobiography lifts the lid on his years of Strictly, his life at the BBC during the golden years of light entertainment in the 1970s, and his time as a brutal enforcer for the Richardson gang in early 1960s Soho.

Will This Do?, some twenty-three year old you’ve never heard of. Inexplicable book apparently written by a young man who regularly tops seven million views on YouTube for videos featuring him playing Fallout 4 and having rambling, disjointed conversations with his friends. Will make you despair for humanity, and confirm that you have finally left your youth behind as you realise you have no common cultural frame of reference with anyone under the age of thirty.

December 8, 2015

Trump calls for ban on electricity entering the US

by philapilus
File:Donald August 19 (cropped).jpg

Thoughtful: moments after the static left his hair looking like this, Trump hatches his plan for containment and annihilation

Donald Trump has called for a national ban on electricity today, after suffering a ‘static attack’ that completely ruined his carefully coiffured hair.

The Republican presidential hopeful was just entering a revolving door when he received an electric shock, caused by a perfect storm of rubber soles, nylon carpet, and a bloated bag of wind.

Trump immediately called a press conference, launching a tirade against “Un-American electricity that hides in the carpet, or the wall, or the air, and then

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December 7, 2015

Youtube adverts celebrated by everyone

by philapilus

We were going to put a big shiny picture of Youtube’s logo here, but thought you might enjoy this ad for toothpaste instead

It was confirmed today that everyone just really fucking loves it when they click on a Youtube video and are subjected to a three minute sodding advert before being able to watch the sodding thing they clicked on in the first place.

A study found that the experience topped a list of things people enjoy, beating other contenders such as receiving automated calls about PPI, that moment when

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December 7, 2015

BBC: Major makes petition to axe Tyson Fury from SPOTY shortlist unnecessary

by philapilus

He can snap a man’s hand off with those powerful fingers

The BBC has said today that there is no need for anyone to get worked up about Tyson Fury’s nomination for Sports Personality of the Year as “he doesn’t stand a chance against top candidate John Major anyway”.

The response came after 55,000 people signed a petition to take Fury out of the running, due to comments that many considered sexist and homophobic.

Corporation spokesperson Percy Spoke said “Admittedly Fury’s words weren’t at all in keeping with the genteel, politically correct, and

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December 3, 2015

Christmas album releases in full

by articulatedsheep

“It’s Christmaaaas!”, to quote the deathless words of Noddy Holder.

Nothing more embodies the spirit of the season than the Christmas cash-in single – or, indeed, album. While the singles spot will be a tussle between [insert name of X-Factor winner’s insipid cover version] and Adele, the contest for number 1 album is likely to be a more open affair. Here are some of the key runners and riders.

A$$FUKKA Volume 1 (Cliff Richard): something of a musical departure for the septuagenarian crooner, this album merges Cliff’s classic style with a squelchy mix of UKG and grime.

Carole King Sings Carols from Kings (Carole King): self-explanatory.

Anton Reads The Bible (Anton du Beke): the ever-popular Strictly professional dancer reads the entire King James Bible in this unexpurgated 142-disc set.

Howls of Despair (Rodney Bewes): the former star of TV sitcoms “The Likely Lads” and “Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads” presents 115 minutes of him screaming in anguish at the futility and meaninglessness of his pitiful existence – the ideal accompaniment to Christmas lunch!

Christmas Sound Effects No. 14 (KPM): crank up the speakers and relive the quality of this fully remastered version of Britain’s top selling sound effects album of 1974. Includes the ever-popular “Snow Crunching Underfoot”, “Christmas Morning Church Bells”, “Sizzling Pigs in Blankets” and “Crackling Open Log Fire”, which if turned up loud enough will drown out the sounds of your own dysfunctional, tense and miserable Christmas Day.

Minstrel (Peter Andre): spend the Yuletide season with Peter Andre, as he entertains with this classic compilation of old-time songs from black-and-white minstrel shows. Throughout the album, he’s joined on vocals by his children, ON ACCOUNT OF HIM BEING A REALLY, REALLY GREAT DAD NO SHUT UP HE IS.

I Love You Babe (Baby) (Babe) (Amendment) (England) Regulations 2015 (Zayn Malik): this is a joke about the frequent use of parentheses in both poor quality, sleazy songs by male solo performers, and in the titles of UK statutory instruments – the fact that this needs to be explained suggests that it is both enormously obscure, and not especially amusing, for which our apologies.

Beethoven: Bagatelles Op 33, 119 and 126 (Alfred Brendel ft Jess Glynn)

Now That’s What I Call Christmas! Plainsong (Various Artists, The Monks of Santo Domingo de Silos): some all-time Christmas classic pop songs – Mariah, Wizzard, Slade and many others – translated into church Latin and rendered into Gregorian plainsong. Fantastic to accompany a Christmas Eve party.

December 3, 2015

Bruce Forsyth in repair shop, will miss Christmas Strictly

by philapilus
File:Sir Bruce Forsyth opening The Sir Bruce Forsyth Auditorium at Millfield Theatre on October 6th 2009 2014-08-10 12-29.jpg

At home with friends

The animatronics inside the preserved corpse of TV presenter Sir Bruce Forsyth have malfunctioned and are undergoing extensive repairs, meaning ‘Brucie’ will not be presenting the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas special.

A BBC spokesperson said that “Having Sir Bruce on the show before the repairs are properly finished would be very unwise. A piston might punch right through his brittle, leathery skin and knock Claudia Winkleman’s teeth out.

“He will have to be dipped in formaldehyde and his circuit board will need to be wired from scratch. We’re sorry to say that Sir Bruce will therefore not

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