Grant Shapps “definitely not fed into woodchipper”, says PM

by philapilus

What, this old thing? No we just keep that for…um…in case a large tree blocks the road.

Number 10 have robustly denied allegations that senior tories were seen pushing the body of former government minister Grant Shapps through a woodchipper.

A statement this morning said that “No one would dream of pulping his bloodied remains onto a large tarpaulin which could then be emptied over a fast-flowing section of the Thames.

“All allegations to the contrary are completely unfounded, and Shapps is definitely alive and well. Look, here’s a note he wrote, it says ‘Hi everyone, I’m totally fine, best wishes, Grant’.”

The former co-chairman of the conservative party resigned over the suicide of activist Elliott Johnson, who claimed he had been bullied by tory twat, Mark Clarke.

The other co-chairman – and personal friend of David Cameron – Lord Feldman, dismissed demands for his own resignation, adding “I am not at all concerned by such calls; we’ve all employed people with reputations for harassment. It’s no biggie.”

Many Whitehall mandarins have said he will have to go, after it transpired that the party would need a full independent inquiry. (This will supercede the original internal one, which involved one of the Chaps going round to ask all the other Chaps if everything had been above board, to which they all replied that it had been.)

Mr Cameron however said that Lord Feldman has his full, complete and utter support.

At which Lord Feldman went extremely pale, and then ran away, very fast.


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