IS in shock as Paris attacks fail to establish world-wide caliphate

by philapilus

Interestingly not designed by someone who thought batshit-mad medieval edicts and fictional super-powered friends were the be-all and end-all of human endeavour

Leaked documents have revealed that IS is completely flummoxed over why the whole world hasn’t seen how brilliant Islamism is, in the wake of its latest attack.

Intelligence analysts intercepted communiques in which senior IS members admit to one another their shock and confusion at not being invited to rule the globe.

Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi asked aides “Why aren’t I running things yet? After our slaughtering of a large number of non-combatants in a city plagued with art, history, cultural heritage and a fully-fledged democracy, I thought Obama would be beating a path to my door to ask me to be world-king.

“Instead, nothing has happened. In fact, so far as I can see, it doesn’t seem to have overthrown western civilisation at all.”

MI6 analyst, Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough branch, said “Everyone, including the majority of their co-religionists, already thought IS were a bunch of utter cunts. Killing Parisian civlians seems to have somehow cemented that opinion even more.

“Not that IS are taking note. They’ll carry on regardless, in the same way that dogs return to their vomit, fools return to their folly, and fucking cowards keep blowing up innocent people and saying it makes them well ‘ard.


Other intercepted communiques revealed Jihadi leaders asking comrades and Saudi backers to send toilet roll, cushions and flannels for wanking into, because “Although we are of course doing really well in Iraq and Syria, the ruins aren’t very cosy yet. And there isn’t much actual ruling to do because everyone’s dead or fled.

“But still, you know, long live the caliphate and all that.”

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