Cameron to announce card and flowers for refugees

by philapilus

“They’re only coming for our ludicrously generous state benefits – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with their own homes” said the complete c*nts of the British right-wing press, until 5 minutes ago 

David Cameron will lay out his new strategy for dealing with the mass migration problem this afternoon, which is expected to involve having a quick whip round for a commiserations card and a bouquet of flowers from a petrol station.

Sources close to the Prime Minister say he “will praise the courage of Syrian refugees, before promising to send the posey of flowers – and possibly a pack of Rich Tea biscuits that he’s had in the cupboard for ages and which no one has eaten.”

Mr Cameron will also, it is hinted, ask any immigrants who do manage to get past the British ‘immigration firewall’ to consider going straight to somewhere like Stockport or Blackpool, which is already so shit they can’t really mess it up.

Labour leadership-hopeful Yvette Cooper said “The Prime Minister is not going far enough. Or possibly going too far. Basically whatever he does, I would probably do exactly the same, except a bit more or less, depending on other stuff. A vote for me is a vote for real change!”

Unemployed Daily Mail reader Tim Twanks said “The cognitive dissonance is really fucking with my head.

“On the one hand my newspaper told me for ages that immigration is basically a fucking disaster. But then suddenly there’s this photo of a kid in the sea – but not in a happy seasidey way – and they tell me to Care Very Much and that It’s Important Mr Cameron Does Something.

“Whoever that kid was, he must have been really important, or else everyone wouldn’t have changed their minds in such an  apparently fickle manner.”

Twanks added “If you ask me it will be better when we’ve taken in some refugees so we can all feel  a bit better about ourselves, and then we can get back to pelting immigrants’ homes with bricks, shouting ‘Darkies go home!'”

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