Britain’s 9 sperm donors named

by philapilus

“There’s still time to get Bellamy’s” said Packham, rubbing his hands together

After yesterday’s shocking news that the national sperm bank has only nine registered donors, assiduous reporting (and blackmail) have today allowed TMB to bring you the names and motives of the people whose babies will soon be infiltrating the population

Boris Johnson: the Mayor of London and popular comedian donated in order to create a future army of trike-riding Johnsons, who at some unspecified point in time will be activated synchronously to bring about bloody revolution and death to all car-users

Chris Packham: Packham’s extreme racialism has convinced him that only a species composed of supremacist wildlife-enthusiasts deserves to triumph in the war of the survival of the fittest

Bill Oddie: was turned to the cause by Chris Packham

David Attenborough: Sir David’s sperm was stolen during a black-op orchestrated by Oddie and Packham

Richard Littlejohn: because the time of the antichrist is nigh

Wayne Rooney: sperm bank staff extracted the top footballer’s semen by tricking him into sleeping with a chair, which was dressed up to look like a sleeping octogenarian

Tony Blair: Money-grubber-extraordinaire Blair said “I signed up because they pay a small fee. Well it was partly that, and partly for the thrill of having an orgasm somewhere miles away from Cherie.”

Jeremy Clarkson: Clarkson’s sperm has already been in circulation for decades, which helps explain diverse UK phenomenon including the Sun newspaper’s success, widespread misogyny, tory voters, and the virulent hatred with which the rest of the world regards us

George Galloway: The self-proclaimed ‘World’s Greatest Egoist’ is such a prolific wanker that it would be almost impossible to find places he hasn’t ejaculated – the Law of Averages means that some  of his seed was basically bound to land in a test-tube at some point.

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