Archive for September, 2015

September 30, 2015

North Carolina redefines the concept of age

by unpseudable
Neil Young

You see, it can be confusing *

North Carolina’s legal system has successfully transcended logic with the recent prosecution of two children as adults for exploiting children who were themselves.

Facing up to ten years imprisonment for the possession of revealing selfies, the accused ultimately accepted plea bargains, requiring them to do community service.

Prosecutor, Nick Dobend, expressed his thoughts on the result: “Well, of course I was gunning for a custodial sentence, but we sure did teach them kids a lesson! Oh yeah, I know all those whiny liberals think it must be some kinda big hoax. But they don’t seem to get that these laws are there so that we can prosecute our children.

“Protect or prosecute? Well, one or the other.

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September 30, 2015

Entire office wondering what toilet brush does

by philapilus

‘Word of warning though; don’t use them to stir your coffee because it’ll taste rank’

It has been revealed that the entire staff of a company are completely flummoxed by a  plastic stick with bristles which has been discovered in the toilets.

IT solutions company, Solutions For IT, found that its seventy-six employees had literally no idea what the object was, nor why it sat next to the lavatory pan.

They were however all agreed that the toilets were absolutely filthy, and demanded management do something about it.

As part of its investigation into why its staff found cleaning the toilet after using it so fucking difficult, Solutions For IT discovered that almost half of them used the brush as a backscratcher – which is not as unhygienic as it sounds, given that it has never entered the loo.

Nobody was able to even hazard a guess as to its true purpose.

Receptionist Wendy Nailinthehead said “Sometimes when I’m in there explosively shitting, or looking at Tinder, or just hiding, I like to pretend that thing is a microphone, and I mime singing ‘Young Hearts Run Free’ into it.

“Presumably that’s not what it’s really for though?”

Marketing Drone Tim Twanks said “I’ve never noticed it before, but then my attention is always drawn to the filth all over the pan, the seat, and often the floor as well.

“When I am at home I don’t usually coat the room in my excrement, because I would have to clear it up. But in public spaces it normally just disappears of its own accord, doesn’t it? Well not here! It’s a disgrace that they make us use that loo.

“Can you pass me that plastic thingy in the pot? I ate onions for lunch and I want to brush my teeth with it.”

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September 25, 2015

Osborne praised for participating in Saudi Arabia execution

by philapilus

What an odious little shit

George Osborne has been praised by the Saudi Arabian government for “rolling up his shirtsleeves and joining in” with a public beheading.

An official Saudi statement said “After his refusal to criticise so-called ‘human rights offences’ in China, Mr Osborne was the obvious choice for a conflict-less visit, so we got him over.

“He was delightful, and as servile as

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September 21, 2015

Samantha Cameron unlikely to accept ‘no comment’ on the dead pig-sex thing

by philapilus

Phwoar!!

It’s been revealed Samantha Cameron warned her husband earlier that “the ‘it’s beneath me to comment’ thing is really not going to fly at the dinner table tonight.”

Number 10 has worked hard today not to engage with allegations that the Prime Minister placed his member into the mouth of a decapitated pig’s head as a student, but Mrs Cameron told a friend that the allegations “would be coming up” and that there “would be repercussions” in the event of an unsatisfactory response.

The story, which

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September 21, 2015

Brian Sewell’s review: Heaven

by philapilus

what a dreadful garish display

Perhaps the quality one would expect most from the audaciously named ‘Heaven’ is an unalloyed and transcendent beauty; a perfection that might deserve such a superlative. Oh dear.

I have often been given cause to marvel at the magnificence that can be wrought in precious materials by the finest of craftsmen, but the so-called ‘Pearly Gates’ struck me as a drab affair, with none of the power of Rodin’s portals, nor even the

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September 16, 2015

Corbyn refuses to sing ‘Happy Birthday’

by philapilus

Jeremy Corbyn has caused an outcry amongst the conservative press, after it was revealed that he did not sing Happy Birthday during a party at the weekend.

According to witnesses, Jeremy arrived at the party and appeared to be engaging normally. He made full use of the bouncy castle, ate fistfuls of Wotsits and Iced Gems, and

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September 16, 2015

Corbyn-Cameron PMQs “to last all week”

by philapilus

Obi Wan Corbyn is about to pop that lightsaber

The first PMQs between David Cameron and Jeremy Corbyn has substantially overrun, and according to sources “could last all week if not longer”, because of the huge sheaf of questions Corbyn is holding.

The session began well, with the two men making a pact that Prime Ministers Questions “should no longer be a screaming ‘Yo Mama’ match between middle-aged white men”. But interest in the chamber waned as the Labour leader began trawling through a list of 40,000 crowd-sourced questions.

MPs’ expressions changed from

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September 14, 2015

Jeremy Corbyn’s shadow cabinet announced

by philapilus

Following a resounding victory in the battle for the Labour leadership at the weekend, Jeremy Corbyn has today announced the Appointments for his first shadow cabinet.

Shadow chancellor: Randy Rhoads.

Randy’s consummate skill is best exemplified by his solo on Ozzy Osboune’s ‘Mr Crowley’, but Rhoads’ phenomenal

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September 10, 2015

“I feel so empty” says Queen

by philapilus
Less than ecstatic

Less than ecstatic

Britain’s longest reigning monarch, Queen Elizabeth II has described her trouncing of Queen Victoria’s longevity-record as “a huge anticlimax”.

The Queen said “I waited decades to reach this milestone; survived all the attempts on my life by my son, and even the foiled coup d’etat launched by the Krankies.

“But it’s a

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September 7, 2015

Cameron to announce card and flowers for refugees

by philapilus

“They’re only coming for our ludicrously generous state benefits – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with their own homes” said the complete c*nts of the British right-wing press, until 5 minutes ago 

David Cameron will lay out his new strategy for dealing with the mass migration problem this afternoon, which is expected to involve having a quick whip round for a commiserations card and a bouquet of flowers from a petrol station.

Sources close to the Prime Minister say he “will praise the courage of Syrian refugees, before promising to send the posey of flowers – and possibly a pack of Rich Tea biscuits that he’s had in the cupboard for ages and which no one has eaten.”

Mr Cameron will also, it is hinted, ask any

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