DWP only paying out for fictional claimants

by philapilus

Jesus wept, what a useless bag of smeg

After being caught out using made-up claimants for a benefits sanctions information leaflet, the Department for Work and Pensions has this morning admitted that the vast majority of the  benefits bill is actually being sunk in to non-existent claimants invented by the marketing department.

The DWP secretary Iain Duncan Smith said “I do have to admit this does sort of seem to go against the narrative of ‘benefits cheats bankrupting the country’ that I have spent the last five years banging on about.

“I’m not going to make any precipitate judgements, but it would appear on closer inspection that maybe the country’s wheelchair users were not in fact responsible for the 2008 global crash.”

But the department insists it has done nothing wrong, with an official statement on its website explaining “All government statistics and policies have to be based on fictional figures and information. If we started mixing in actual facts then the whole thing would get very confusing.”

The Twittersphere has responded with uncharacteristic unanimity, with almost everyone agreeing that the DWP couldn’t find its substantial arse with its moneygrubbing fingers.

Asked if the money would be returned and used for actual claimants, IDS responded “Um…no, no definitely not. In fact we’re very much going the other way; from now on the entire social security bill will be going into the hands of what we are calling ‘non-reality-dependent claimants’. From their ghost accounts the money will be transferred to other worthwhile government expenditure projects.

“Do you like my new yacht?”

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