Delighted Lancastrians lambast Yorkshire for “wimpishly clean water”

by philapilus

The Wars of the Roses began as a squabble between the two counties both of which claimed to have the ugliest women

Lancashire has mocked “Yorkshire softies” this week, claiming that the county “Doesn’t even know its been born,  with its lahdeedah clean water and its lahdeedah sanitation”.

The attack came after proud Lancastrians entered a second week of having to boil their water for health reasons, leading the delighted misanthropes to revel in gleeful masochism.

Pat Greendale, founder of the Antagonise Yorkshire Society, said “Bloody Yorkshire, think they’re so tough; we’re more hard done by than they’ve ever been! We have to boil t’water like bloody third world, while they’re poncing around with spring water out of polished crystal glass. Bastards.”

But Yorkshire’s Fuck Off Lancashire Society retorted this morning, telling their rivals “Boiled water? You’re bloody lucky! We don’t e’en have owt to start fire with, let alone a pan to put water in! Bloody posh rich bastards.”

The ancient enmity between the counties, combined with their suicidal dedication to being the worst off, has led to a spiral of one-downmanship, which has seen stocky stubborn men from both counties vandalising their own infrastructure, and seeking out ever more rank sources of food.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute For Superior Southerners, said “We’ve spent years trying to destroy the North of England through economic strangulation. But this is brilliant; we’re just letting them do it to themselves.

“Soon there’ll be nothing North of the Watford Gap except a few hardy barbarians proudly engorging themselves on pigshit and sleeping rough in the snow to prove they’re the worst off.

“Just like in Scotland.”

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