Calais migrants “have not yet unleashed armageddon” say experts

by philapilus

“fucking immigrants”

Analysts confirmed this morning that the South East of England has not yet descended into apocalyptic destruction and horror, despite the fact that a few thousand poor bastards are still trying to get across from Calais.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Reading Stuff, said “Even though the newspapers are saying that the Calais hopefuls have instigated the end times by climbing over a fence, we went and checked and Kent has completely failed to subside into the broiling maw of the sea, contra all expectations. In fact the country still seems inexplicably to be functioning.

“Which is weird, because I got the distinct impression from the Daily Mail that the world was definitely in the process of ending.”

The thousands of migrants however have been described by politicians as a dangerous ‘swarm’ expected to cause untold calamity.

David Cameron said this week “Swarms are when you get more than a couple of something together and they get all angry. I’ve seen swarms. Like one time at a picnic I left out my can of Coke, and then there were like seven wasps on it. I didn’t dare go near it, I would have been stung.

“And if I was allergic to stings – which happily I’m not – I would have gone into anaphalactic shock. So basically, we need to send the army to Calais. End of.”

But Samantha Furcup, a person who had thought about it for a few minutes, said “Migrants aren’t going to rampage through the channel tunnel and steal my house. If they get over here, which probably few of them will, they’ll apply for asylum, which even fewer will get, and then most of them will be sent home. It’s a pisser for the haulage industry, and for holidaymakers, but the words ‘storm’ and teacup’ come to mind.

“Or, you know, it’s exactly like that scene in World War Z where the zombies swarm over the walls of Jerusalem and infect every single person in the city with their deadly contagious disease.

“Depends how you look at it.”


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