August 25, 2015
by philapilus
“The world will end” claims Harman
Harriet Harman has promised that the upcoming Labour leadership ballot will be “scrupulously fair and impartial” to which end “party activists are working round the clock to exclude anyone thinking of voting for one candidate in particular – I don’t think I have to name him, but it’s not Andy.”
The acting Labour leader warned that “thousands of cheats are attempting to infiltrate the party, purely to exploit the voting system in order to democratically vote for a candidate who some of us don’t want them to vote for.”
Many senior Labour officials are
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August 19, 2015
by philapilus
Jesus wept, what a useless bag of smeg
After being caught out using made-up claimants for a benefits sanctions information leaflet, the Department for Work and Pensions has this morning admitted that the vast majority of the benefits bill is actually being sunk in to non-existent claimants invented by the marketing department.
The DWP secretary Iain Duncan Smith said “I do have to admit this does sort of seem to go against the narrative of ‘benefits cheats bankrupting the country’ that I have spent the last five years banging on about.
“I’m not going to make any
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Posted in Economy, Politics, Satire, Society |
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August 17, 2015
by philapilus
“All around my hat I will wear the green ribbon…”
Experts analysing the vast tape collection of Osama Bin Laden have revealed that the Al Qaeda leader “was a huge fan of bands like the Bangles, the Mamas and the Papas, and British folk rock outfit, Steeleye Span.”
Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Sound Studies went through more than 1500 casettes, and found that Bin Laden’s musical tastes tended to focus on anything recorded before Nirvana’s ‘Nevermind’, which was the most recent album that he owned.
“‘Nevermind’ was almost worn out,” said McEyebrau “So he’d obviously listened to it a lot. We think he
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Posted in Music, Religion, Satire, USA, War |
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August 14, 2015
by philapilus
The Wars of the Roses began as a squabble between the two counties both of which claimed to have the ugliest women
Lancashire has mocked “Yorkshire softies” this week, claiming that the county “Doesn’t even know its been born, with its lahdeedah clean water and its lahdeedah sanitation”.
The attack came after proud Lancastrians entered a second week of having to boil their water for health reasons, leading the delighted misanthropes to revel in gleeful masochism.
Pat Greendale, founder of the Antagonise Yorkshire Society, said “Bloody Yorkshire, think they’re so tough; we’re more hard done by than
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Posted in Health, History, Satire, UK |
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August 11, 2015
by philapilus
“He’s got huge tusks that come out of his jaw about this far, and if we make him leader then he’ll use them to impale babies”
Alastair Campbell has warned Labour members against voting for Jeremy Corbyn, explaining that Corbyn is not Tony Blair, and furthermore “doesn’t even look like him”.
Campbell who was the communications director and enforcer for the Blair government, has told party members that the left-wing leadership candidate is “dangerously unBlair; he doesn’t appear to be remotely interested in Blairism, doesn’t sound or taste like Blair, and doesn’t even remind me of that useless tub of fox excrement Gordon Brown.”
Jeremy Corbyn is leading the
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August 10, 2015
by philapilus
“Turtle-faced little piece of shit”
Donald Trump has lashed out at critics after his attack on a Fox journalist, and insisted he did not imply she was menstruating, but added “Even if I had said she was menstruating like a stuck pig, I would only have meant it in a really positive way.”
The tycoon, who had said publicly that Megyn Kelly was “bleeding out of her wherever” continued “I mean, obviously menstruation is gross, unnatural, dirty – and frankly just done to grab attention, but apart from that, I think it’s great.
“Some of my best friends are women. Or at
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Posted in Business, Journalism, Society, USA |
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August 7, 2015
by philapilus
LORD OF TIME AS WELL AS ALL CREATION
North Korea has altered the supposedly intractable gravitational forces exerted on our planet by the Sun, in order to move out of the timezone imposed on the country by “the evil Japanese empire”.
Pyongyang announced this morning that the all-powerful Kim Jong-Un “leapt into space with one jump, and then, standing in a temporal vacuum, used his incredible muscles to move planetary alignments just enough to change the time by half an hour.
“It may sound impossible to
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Posted in International, Satire |
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August 4, 2015
by philapilus
“fucking immigrants”
Analysts confirmed this morning that the South East of England has not yet descended into apocalyptic destruction and horror, despite the fact that a few thousand poor bastards are still trying to get across from Calais.
Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Reading Stuff, said “Even though the newspapers are saying that the Calais hopefuls have instigated the end times by climbing over a fence, we went and checked and Kent has completely failed to subside into the broiling maw of the sea, contra all expectations. In fact the
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Posted in Immigration, Politics, Satire |
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articulatedsheep
philapilus
unpseudable
“Some of my best friends menstruate” says Trump
by philapilus“Turtle-faced little piece of shit”
Donald Trump has lashed out at critics after his attack on a Fox journalist, and insisted he did not imply she was menstruating, but added “Even if I had said she was menstruating like a stuck pig, I would only have meant it in a really positive way.”
The tycoon, who had said publicly that Megyn Kelly was “bleeding out of her wherever” continued “I mean, obviously menstruation is gross, unnatural, dirty – and frankly just done to grab attention, but apart from that, I think it’s great.
“Some of my best friends are women. Or at
Posted in Business, Journalism, Society, USA | Leave a Comment »