Walter Palmer “unrepentant” after killing trophy patients

by philapilus

Just say ‘aahhhhAAARRRGGHHHHHNOPLEASENODON’TSHOOT!’

Dentist Walter Palmer has admitted he has “no intention of ceasing to blow the living fuck out of big game animals” after reports that he hunted down and shot several of his patients.

The Minnesota tooth-wrangler shot Zimbabwe’s most famous lion, Cecil, on a hunting trip after the creature was lured out of its reservation.

But, bloodlust unsated, Palmer returned to the States, put on his pith helmet, and went on another big game spree, killing three of his patients, an ice cream vendor, four squirrels, a cat, and a goldfish, using a minigun and several sticks of dynamite.

Alarms were raised after a nurse found the dentist embalming his trophies with listerine, before stuffing them with Colgate Blue Minty Gel and mounting what was left on the walls of his office.

“I don’t see anything wrong with it,” Palmer said “if God hadn’t meant us to hunt his beautiful bounty, he wouldn’t have invented the crosshairs.

“Nothing beats the rush of hunting. Certainly not dentistry, which frankly has bored me to the point of what my therapist calls ‘pathological sadism’ – a phrase which annoyed me so much that his head now sits above my fireplace. I added some horns so he looked scarier. Otherwise people might not realise what a brilliant macho thing it was to do.”

Palmer has come under fire – not literally – from people all over the world, who have complained that killing endangered highly sentient large animals with high powered weaponry isn’t really a sport.

But the NRA has come to his defence. NRA spokesman Jed Twat said “Not a sport? Bullshit. It’s more of a sport than tennis, basketball, baseball or American football! Those are for fags with freakishly long penises. Give me a gun any day.”

 

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