Rob Wilson MP defends 1 1/2p claim for breathing

by philapilus

“You’d be amazed how much shit comes out of me every day” said Wilson

Conservative MP Rob Wilson has lashed out at critics for drawing attention to small expenses claims he has made for driving 350 yards, riding his bicycle, and breathing.

The Member for Reading East said that “As a public servant my every waking moment is spent serving the public. Therefore everything I do during those working moments should be paid for by the public. And as I only receive a salary for my MP work, I see nothing wrong in claiming everything else on expenses.”

His most regular claims revealed by IPSA include: breathing, at 1 1/2p per breath; getting dressed, at 11p per day (13p if it’s a weekend); peeing, at 3p per 200ml; and vacating his bowels at a whopping 89p per defecation.

Wilson told reporters “It all adds up you know. Why should I be shitting on my own time? During that movement I am doing nothing but thinking about how I can serve my constituents.”

Wilson is not the only MP to claim he is constantly working. The Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt recently lambasted doctors for not spending every single waking moment in hospital healing people, saying that he himself spends the entire weekend locked in a cupboard doing nothing but paperwork, and if people think it looks like he is relaxing at home it’s only because the weekend is when his identical twin brother comes to visit.

Samantha Furcup, a constituent of Mr Wilson’s said “Actually I don’t mind the idea of his breathing being a matter for remuneration, because presumably if we refuse to pay he’ll have to stop breathing, and I would very much like the grasping venal little shit to do precisely that.”

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