Trade Unions not really necessary anymore, says government

by philapilus

None of these people brought the mandatory armadillo which would have made the strike legal, so they were all thrown off Beachy Head

The government has said that its plans to change the way Trade Unions vote on strikes are in no way an assault on workers’ rights because “workers already have everything they want”.

Business Secretary Sajid Javid said “All those people who are saying that this will make legal strikes impossible are overlooking the fact that no one really wants to strike anymore. We’ve fixed pretty much everything, and everyone is happy.

“What we need is a country that works for working people who work at the right kind of work and don’t work with other workers to undermine those who employ them. That’s the only way for work to work.”

But Trade Union spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Our position is that if employees are being treated like shit it would be nice if they could actually do something about it. And I think if most people thought about it for five minutes then it might occur to them that if the government hobbles all forms of legal workplace dissent and solidarity, then that’s not exactly a great step for democracy.

“But I think what the British public has instead decided is that the real issue is how annoying it is when they’re a bit late for work because of tube-strikes. So the Tories can pretty much get away with it.”

Under the proposals of the new bill strikes will only be permitted if:

  • Each person voting for the strike is wearing a Peruvian wollen hat whilst filling in the ballot paper AND posting it
  • No two members voting for strike action have the same first name or initials
  • Strikers have given three months notice to the government on a letter embossed with gold leaf
  • Union members each supply two people to replace them on every day they strike (to be recruited and paid for by the member)
  • Everyone on the picket line can prove possession of a great white shark, kept as a pet on their own domestic property
  • The union provides a petition signed by at least 78,000 members of the public saying that they really, really want to be inconvenienced.


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