Daily Mail to make official policy decisions on terrorism

by philapilus

The Daily Mail: literally never wrong, nor batshit mad

It has been announced that the Daily Mail will be allowed to make key decisions regarding the fate of British Jihadis, after the former head of counter-terrorism said he thought their ideas were “on the money”.

Robert Quick said “I was working through the policy implications of letting homegrown Islamists join IS provided they agree never to come back, when I suddenly realised that I was basically quoting a Daily Mail article by John Littlerick, saying we should ‘bloody well send ’em out there and good riddance’.

“I started to look through back issues, and found pretty much the same thing had been expressed on every page for a decade. Ever since 7/7 Britain’s meanest-minded journalists have encouraged everyone to think we should stick the towelheads on a plane, then tell them to fuck off and not come back. And maybe shoot the plane down.

“It’s just possible I have been taken over by some sort of hideous parasite that is eating its way through my brain and controlling me, like those horrible little worms do to ants.”

A spokesperson for the Daily Mail said that the paper was delighted it would be given such powers, and that a three part strategy was being rolled out, in which Muslims would intially be restricted by curfew laws, then be branded with a huge satanic face, and finally rounded up into football stadiums and gassed.

Person who isn’t insane, Samantha Furcup said “It’s true we need to do something about the small minority of utter cunts who want to kill innocent people because of their make-believe friends.

“But it’s also true that when your solution is to do what the Daily Mail says, then it is time to scrap it and come up with something else. But only after sitting in the corner and having a Long Hard Think About What You’ve Done.”

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