Britain’s Got Talent screened to migrants at Calais as deterrent

by philapilus

Guaranteed to cut immigration down to the low levels Britain enjoyed when Beadle’s About was on the telly

The government has announced mass screenings of Britain’s Got Talent in Calais, as an ’emergency deterrent’ to the migrants trying to force their way on to vehicles bound for Britain.

As strikes brought traffic on the French side of the tunnel to a standstill, hundreds of migrants massed and tried to board stationary lorries and even force their way into family cars.

Immigration minister James Brokenshire said “These poor fools don’t realise that whilst Britain’s welfare system is relatively attractive, these isles are a cultural wasteland of despair. Exposure to Britain’s Got Talent is an excellent way of putting them off.

“If only more of them had seen our TV programmes before coming here, they’d never have left their smelly foreign homes in the first place.”

BGT – which features fat children playing the clarinet poorly, three legged dogs abseiling down a a replica of Nelson’s column, and a man with one arm shorter than the other – has long been considered the cultural nadir of civilisation.

Simon Cowell, perpetrator of the show, is already burned in effigy weekly, though sadly no one has managed to get the man himself onto a bonfire yet.

Immigrant Kleenslav Koleslaw said “It’s true, British television is mentally devastating. Growing up in Eastern Europe our entire cultural entertainment consisted of a single channel showing re-runs of fawning documentaries about Stalin, occasionally interspersed with footage of a 94 year old lady playing the balalaika.

“This is why so many immigrants don’t learn English, to avoid the soul-crushing horror of understanding what people are saying to one another on the One Show.”


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