Millions unable to enjoy porn properly because of broadband speed

by philapilus

‘Half the time there’s no point even plugging the fucking thing in’

Consumer watchdog Which? has discovered that the vast majority of UK homes are not getting the broadband speed they are paying for, seriously limiting their enjoyment of HD adult material, online gambling, and pictures of goats (the latter not necessarily separately from the adult material).

With evidence suggesting that BT and TalkTalk failed to provide the advertised top speed to even 10% of their customers, Which? has brought the matter to Ofcom, who are now investigating the UK’s lack of access to “the really nasty stuff”.

Which? spokesman Percy Spoke said “Our tests found that 90% of people were not able to piss anywhere near as much of their lives away as broadband providers were promising. For instance, almost all of those who downloaded ‘Pirates II, Stagnetti’s Revenge’, starring Jesse Jane, had to wait a ludicrously long time to get to the good bits because of buffering issues.

“That’s not a euphemism.”

Ofcom said that it had a team working round the clock to download as much filth as possible each day “purely as a way of testing broadband speed.”

Online gambling sites meanwhile are pressuring service providers to improve, and have issued a statement using the analogy that if shepherds had to use low-powered clippers, than shearing would take so much longer that wool-merchants “would no longer be able to roll around on a massive bed of fleeces, whilst laughing at the sheep.”

But TalkTalk executive Richard Smarm defended the company and said “If the speed of broadband gets too high then the general public get their rocks off too quickly, and the yawning maw of existential despair will suck their undistracted minds right on in.

“What else are they going to do for god’s sake? Read?!”

 

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