RBS to refuse customers access to their money

by philapilus

No one noticed before that this translates as ‘The bank that despises you all”

RBS said this morning that the 600,000 payments to customers that went ‘missing’ last night were not the result of a mistake. A statement by the publicly owned bank also warned that “customers can expect a lot more of this sort of thing once nice Mr Osborne lets us go private again.”

Jerry Grossekatzen, spokesman for the RBS group said “Normally I’d say some bollocks about the computer system, probably. Or elves with little nets coming and taking your money in the night. But actually we can’t be bothered to make this shit up anymore; we’ll soon be free of you grubby little oiks.

“Our CEO Ross McEwan has filled a swimming pool with your cash, and once Osborne flogs RBS, he and Fred Goodwin are going to swim in it all day. You remember Fred don’t you? My god he’s enjoying retirement.”

Samantha Furcup, whose entire life-savings are in an RBS account said “I was going to make a point about massive fucking injections of public cash to save an ailing bank which is then sold off at a loss costing the taxpayer billions.

“But then I was told it’s no longer fashionable to complain about banks, and apparently we all need to shut up and let them do their thing, which is saving the world in some way we can’t quite understand and which involves us not getting our money back. Apparently they’re doing a great job.”

But George Osborne defended the impending sell-off of RBS, saying “If we don’t sell it at a loss now, we’d have to sell it at a bigger loss in the future. Or, I don’t know, keep it and make it work for the people who own it, possibly as some sort of decentralised local bank support system.

“But that would be shit loads of work for me, and Ross McEwan said I could come round and watch him drink champagne later, so I’m going to just flog it.”

 

 

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