Walmart ‘Mom fight’ video wrecks both theory of evolution and creationism

by philapilus

It really is the only way

The normally opposing worlds of science and religion have been brought together today in joint recognition of their failure, after it became clear that not only does humanity display no traits of being highly evolved, but it is also too despicable to have been divinely ordained.

The revelation came after a video of two women fighting on the floor in an Indiana Walmart went viral, proving indisputably that both the prole-ish participants, and the gleefully voyeuristic internet audience, are all just absolutely vile.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, ex-evolutionary scientist said “I have argued for years that we mammalians are the supreme species on the planet, displaying evidence of highly evolved traits. But then I watched this, and I realised I’ve been talking bollocks.

“The vast majority of us are absolutely sickening, and the sooner we can get rid of the entire species the better. I realise some innocents may die, but if Buffy the Vampire Slayer has taught us anything it’s that sometimes sacrifices must be made to destroy true evil.”

Former religionist, Reverend Willy Stroke, said “One of those nasty fat tramps told her 6 year old son to get involved in beating up the other woman! My faith was sometimes challenged before, with thorny questions like why Jesus lets bad things happen to good people, but this…?

“Clearly, there is no God.

“And if there was, we still wouldn’t be a beloved people. We’re more like some sort of horrible mistake that deserves to be wiped out by our creator, like in Prometheus.”

Both scientists and religious factions have joined together in petitioning for the abolition of humanity from 4PM today. After the video was assessed by a specially convened UN council this lunchtime, the petition’s chance of success has been described as “extremely likely.”



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