FIFA offering London Mayoralty to most ‘convincing’ bidder

by philapilus

“I’ve got this terrible pain in my head, right here. I hope it’s not the early onset of dementia and regrettable associated amnesia!”

The disgraced FIFA organisation has offered to ‘help secure’ the position of Mayor of London “for whichever of the candidates does the best job of convincing our board of their case.”

Embattled president Sepp Blatter said “By ‘case’ we obviously don’t just mean a case full of cash! No; we’d like to help whoever shows us that they have the whole package. We want to see someone who can really push the brown envelope. Someone willing to put a bit of elbow grease into our han- into the job.”

The offer “to assist in an advisory capacity” in the 2016 mayoral elections, comes after FIFA announced its diversification “into other lucrative markets, you know, in case the football thing doesn’t work out.”

The Football governing body is said to have approached several of the candidates.

Zac Goldsmith, Diane Abbott and Sol Campbell said that they were approached and told “We’re not sayin’ we’ll offer you whatever you want on a plate, guv, but, y’know, for a modest consultation fee, we might be able to see our way to putting a certain whatever on to a certain plate, and seeing if you might like it. In exchange for a modest consultation fee, guv.”*

Some critics have suggested FIFA’s consultancy service is a transparent attempt to solicit bribes.

But former Vice-President of FIFA Jack Warner said “That is completely untrue! FIFA taking bribes?! Whoever heard such a ridiculous thing! We are men of honour!

“Unless you’re offering me a certain amount of cash and/or immunity from prosecution to say otherwise, in which case, just give me the word.”

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*Reports that Russell Brand had not been offered a bribe because he wouldn’t understand what it was, remain unconfirmed.

 

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