Perjury “fine if it’s just a bit of silly fun” says High Court

by philapilus

“What does this thing do?”

The High Court has declared that perjury is basically no problem provided that it’s done “in a light-hearted way”, after Andy Coulson’s trial collapsed yesterday over a technicality.

Lord Judge Justice General Judge Arthur Theremin decided that it didn’t matter whether or not Coulson had perjured himself, because “If he did do it, then it was done in an immaterial, pulling-your-leg type of way.

Lord Theremin said “Everyone bullshits, and who cares if someone is – or isn’t – a lying little arsehole? Not saying that Coulson is of course. Not saying that he isn’t either.

“But as long as what he said was basically a bit of a joke, I couldn’t give a monkey’s. I told my wife her broccoli quiche was amazing yesterday, which is utter balls. But am I going to be done for perjury? No. So this is exactly the same, except, you know, with swearing on a Bible.”

Lord Theremin will be working closely with the work-placement Justice Secretary, Michael Gove, to draw up a list of things that may well be perjury, but which don’t really matter, including anything that anyone associated with the Conservatives might have done, ever.

A spokesman for Mr Gove said “If you make up a load of shit, but it isn’t relative to the case, no one needs to know you’re a lying prick who can’t be trusted. That shouldn’t affect how the jury weighs up your evidence. Basically, what we’re saying is, ignore the whole ‘I swear to tell the truth…’ bit, because that’s more of a guideline.

“Lie as much as you want but make sure it’s irrelevant, and if at all possible, chuck a joke in. Judges love a good laugh, same as the next man. Which is why we’re planning to let them hang the poor again.”

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