‘Robot cheetahs definitely not a bad idea’ say scientists

by philapilus

They live only to serve us. Probably.

Scientists presenting a robot cheetah at the DARPA Robotics Challenge this weekend have said there is no chance that the autonomous deathbots represent any kind of threat.

Head roboticist Professor Hamish McEyebrau said “These sleek, mechanised beings can move at great speed, avoid obstacles with ease, and tear through flesh and bone as easily as you or I might through blancmange. They’re almost certainly harmless though. Probably. I mean, why wouldn’t they be?”

But some critics suggest that building robots based on one of nature’s best killing machines could be seen as a poor decision.

Sceptic Samantha Furcup said “Have any of these scientists ever watched a movie? Because there’s quite a few based around this sort of theme, and more often than not, it doesn’t end well.”

But the cheetah’s creators say that the DRC finals will be the perfect place to showcase how safe the hunter-killer robot is, in front of a huge crowd of spectators, many of whom will undoubtedly be families with plump, slow-moving children.

Professor McEyebrau said “It stands to reason our robots will be perfectly friendly. They’re capable of independent thought, armed with sharp teeth and claws, imprisoned in a lab, and exposed to the foibles and failings of our species through their daily interaction with pathetic sex-starved scientists. How could they not love humanity?

“Also, the M134 minigun mounted to its head, which is capable of firing up to 6000 rounds a minute, was very much just an aesthetic choice by the designer and nothing to worry about.”


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