Texas turf-war between rival Segway gangs

by philapilus
File:Segway PT (2006)-02.jpg

Lock up your daughters

Nineteen people have been killed and more than 100 arrested, after a vicious gun-battle between rival Segway gangs in Texas.

Police confirmed that opposing factions, the Gadget-addicts and the Green-businessmen Gang, met in a large Walmart carpark to settle a turf dispute. An ensuing gun-battle between hundreds of Segwayers was described by witnesses as “All out war”.

Police chief Randy Fukwizc said “The Segwayers chose the carpark because of its easy pavement access, lack of sharp inclines, and the relatively low speed of other vehicles – all of which are necessary conditions if you’re basically riding a battery-powered hobby horse.

“The nerds and eco-heads circled each other slowly – speed not being a Segway option – before engaging in a vicious conflict using BB guns, air rifles, and spud-shooters.”

The resulting carnage left 19 dead, and many Segwayers in hospital or jail.

This isn’t the first Segway-related violence. Last summer in Florida Segwaying members of a bridge club ran into a group of retired dentists, and a slow-speed war broke out in which one octogenarian had a toothbrush lodged in her inner ear.

But why are so many drawn to the Segway sub-culture?

Gadget-addict Nigel Cheeseman said “The Feds don’t get it, but it’s about being part of a tribe, a mob, a gang – it’s like the Peanuts crew, you know?”

Smug Green-businessman Mark Paracetamol added “We ride along at a stately jogging pace, nearly fast enough for the wind to blow through our hair. People see us coming and get out of the way. Otherwise they might get a nasty bruise on the ankle.”

Chief Fukwizc said “I don’t know what it is about two-wheeled vehicles that just brings out the inner warrior. You don’t get gangs of trike-riders engaging in all out war, or unicyclists jousting with home-made spears on the motorway.

“But as soon as your vehicle has two wheels, it all goes Mad Max.”

 

 

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