Cameron states “NHS pledges are achievable with sofa-cash”

by philapilus

“There’s probably four grand in that one”

David Cameron has insisted today that the Conservatives will meet their pre-election pledges on NHS funding because “there’s bound to be shitloads of cash down the back of hospital sofas.”

The prime minister said “Look, you know how it is, you sit down and maybe 20p rolls out of your pocket, gets stuck between the cushions, and you don’t find it till months later when you strip the cushions off to make a fort.

“Well imagine that for every sofa in every hospital, but then multiply it by like, a hundred or something because of all the different people who sit on that sofa during the day! We’re talking about literally tons of cash.

“To be honest we’ll probably end up overshooting the £8bn within a couple of months.”

Labour’s shadow health minister, Andy Burnham, heavily criticised Cameron’s plans, warning that sofa-cash is “unrealistic, unreliable, and certainly not a patch on my plans for growing money-trees. You’re all going to be really sorry you didn’t vote for us, when the sofa-cash gets pocketed by private companies.”

Samantha Furcup of the Royal College of Nursing’s union said “Our members are being told to spend their lunch breaks sticking their hands down the back of sofas rummaging for cash. So far today all that I’ve personally trawled up are little balls of hair, an empty paracetomol packet, a syringe, fourteen used plasters, seven scabs, and someone’s kidney.”

Conservative health minister Jeremy Hunt said “See? A whole kidney! We’ll get loads of dosh for that on the Chinese black market. The plan’s working already!”

 

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