“DEATH TO DEPP’S DOGS!!” screams Australian Minister

by philapilus

Just look at those eyes – it can’t wait to sink its fangs into a kangaroo’s jugular

Barnaby Joyce, Australian agricultural minister, is on a mission to personally murder the dogs belonging to Johnny Depp, according to the British media.

Depp took his dogs on his private jet when he flew in to Australia last month, to film ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 37: Now it’s just getting stupid’. Crucially however, he neglected to declare he was bringing in the animals.

Joyce said “That bloody Depp’s got to pay! I’m going to string those dogs up by the bollocks, and slit ’em down the front with a blunt knife, then chuck the entrails on a barby and feed them to him! Death to all dogs!

“Who does he think he is, bringing in Yorkshire Terriers? He might as well have turned up with a vial of anthrax! I’ll tear those puppies apart with my teeth if it’s the last thing I do!”

Depp has often been criticised for keeping such incredibly dangerous animals, not least by Prince Charles, who blames the heart-throb’s dogs for the decimation of the Patagonian Toothfish population.

Prince Charles wrote in the Black Spider Letters “I will admit that Johnny Depp is incredibly sexy. But I have watched at first hand as his dogs, equipped with scuba diving gear and flippers, tore apart shoals of the Patagonian Toothfish until the seas ran red with their blood. The scene was one of horrific carnage, putting one in mind of the time when my father, Prince Philip, came across a band of gypsy-folk in a field near Balmoral. The horror… the horror…”

The British press have been quick to relay this historic story, with the Guardian helpfully creating an online clock counting down to the moment at which the crazed Barnaby Joyce will run into Depp’s house with a machete, slay the dogs and drink their blood.

A spokesperson for the actor said “Yeah, that could happen. Or maybe Johnny will just send them home again.”

%d bloggers like this: