The TMB guide to Cameron’s new cabinet

by philapilus

 

Eric Pickles will be the new moon

As David Cameron continues to form his new cabinet, we bring you the lowdown on the ministers already appointed:
Prime Minister: Boris Johnson

In a surprise move, David Cameron has decided to make Johnson the head of his new government, though the role will only apply during the night-time when no one is looking. Boris will also take over David’s marital obligations to Samantha

Home Secretary: Michael Gove/Theresa May

The new government’s first cabinet meeting will feature a bloody death-match between these two ministers, who have each demanded the opportunity to stick and disembowel the other like a squealing pig. The victor will be made Home Secretary, whilst the loser will be diced, and fed to Norman Tebbit in his underground lair.

Chancellor: A Magic 8-Ball

The Magic 8-Ball has made a number of predictions about the economy which have been at least as accurate as George Osborne’s, but the ball has the advantage over Osborne that you don’t want to drop it down a lift shaft after ten seconds in its presence.

Foreign Secretary: Nigel Farage

Another surprise appointment, Cameron said he bumped into Farage in a pub on the weekend, and realised “What a bloody good bloke he is. Plus, he’s Saying What We’re All Thinking. He’s the natural choice.”

Culture Secretary: Rolf Harris (pending)

A tory spokesman said “Rolf is everything David loves about Britain. Of all the brilliant contemporary artists working today, none is as conceptually rigorous, or avant-garde as Harris.  At the moment we’re having a bit of trouble confirming him though, as he’s not answering the phone.”

Work and Pension Secretary: Iain Duncan Smith

Duncan Smith has been allowed to keep the post he had last term as he would be absolutely unemployable anywhere else, but wouldn’t be able to sign on for welfare because there isn’t any.

 

 

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