UKIP candidate: rebuttal in full

by articulatedsheep

As the election approaches, we print in full the rebuttal issued by UKIP candidate Gurdyman Thrustbucket MEP, the party’s candidate for North Wessex South, whose campaign has been dogged by allegations around his personal conduct and beliefs.

“It is sad that, because of the continued harassment of the ‘legacy parties’ and their agents in the BBC, I have had to issue this full explanation of comments I have made and beliefs which I hold, many of which have been taken wholly out of context.

I will begin by the reports that, at a hustings last week, I said that I “hated blacks”, and that they should, “all go back where they came from”. For some, this is proof that I am a racist. This allegation is unbelievable. As anyone who has met me will attest, I love like brothers our dusky foreign friends, and celebrate them and their success in staffing the London Underground, acting as relief postmen and whatever else it is that they do. I was in fact remarking that I hated Blacks, the national outdoor clothing and equipment retailer, who I believe have used their practical monopoly in the retail outward-bound market to cripple their competitors. I was merely stating that I believed that they should “go back where they came from” – ie, that they should divest themselves of the majority of their shopfronts and return to running two or three shops in Greenock, where they were founded in the mid-nineteenth century.

Secondly, my statement that I “do not believe in Europe” requires clarification. A dissatisfaction with the overweening power of European institutions is central to UKIP’s philosophy, but this was not the sense in which I made this statement. In fact, I do not literally believe that Europe exists. My frequent trips as an MEP to “Brussels” has led me to believe that the city is in fact a kind of Potemkin village, built on a soundstage near Littlehampton, and its inhabitants British people putting on silly accents. It is my contention that the English coastline is in fact immediately adjacent to the United States. This connects to my long-held view that 9/11 was an inside job, perpetrated by the British and American Governments because, on a clear day, a person standing on a stepladder on the seafront at Deal could clearly see the twin towers poking up just over the horizon. How else can one explain the fact that it takes eight hours to fly to the USA, but only five hours to fly back? The notion that we are separated by hundreds of miles of open ocean is absurd. This is a view shared privately by many of my colleagues, and is the basis of our belief that we should forge closer trade ties with America. There is no reason why a real “Channel Tunnel” could not be built to connect Kent with the eastern seaboard of the USA, cutting journey times to only a few minutes and providing a boon to the Kentish economy. This would also provide a compelling economic rationale for re-opening Manston Airport.

Finally, I must address the allegation of hypocrisy that has circulated about my opposition to homosexuality. Some have said that my vehement disapproval of this deviant sexual behaviour somehow sits at odds with my frequent visits to “Fist Zone”, Antwerp’s premier leather bar, where I have been known to engage in carnal relations with upwards of a dozen toned, muscular young men in a single evening. Nothing could be further from the truth. Allow me to explain. It has long been my belief that the European Union, or the “EUSSR” as I subversively call it, is – through the medium of chemtrails and water flouridation – seeking to turn the populace of the continent into a collection of weak-willed nancy boys. I, along with my political researcher Xavier, have decided to act as a “canary in the coal mine”, postulating that, if I note that I am beginning to enjoy my unspeakable encounters with hordes of sweaty, eager twentysomethings, I shall know that this policy has reached its “endgame”, and that it is time to speak out and blow the whole conspiracy wide open. I am happy to report that, to date, I have not enjoyed a moment of these torrid, anonymous encounters. It goes without saying that my wife supports me 100% on this issue.

I fervently hope that this full and frank statement closes these matters. The electors of England are tiring of the spurious allegations made about myself and my fellow candidates. Happily, these degenerates and their unpatriotic views will be swept away on May 8th.

Heil Hitler!”

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