“I once killed a man”, Cameron reminisces

by articulatedsheep

In a reflective interview to mark the final two days of the election campaign, David Cameron has reminisced about the time in the late 1980s when he cold-bloodedly murdered a stranger.

The incident occurred in early 1988, when Mr Cameron was returning home after an evening spent heckling at a fundraising event for the campaign to release Nelson Mandela. Walking through the streets of Oxford at just after midnight, he came upon a man sleeping on a park bench.

“He must have been a tramp or something.” Cameron recalled, speaking to a simpering James Landale. “I remember stopping in front of him and thinking, ‘I wonder what it would feel like to take his life?’. Would it give me a sense of affirmation, assuaging my sense of ennui and emptiness about the life of privilege which had been mapped out for me? Or would it lead to a life riven by guilt and regret?”

“I rolled him off the bench and onto the floor. He woke up – there were some expletives, I seem to remember! Anyway, I stood over his head, and, gently at first, pressed my foot down on his throat. I remember quite clearly his expression turning from anger to alarm, then incomprehension, then panic. Even in the dull glow of the sodium streetlamps, I could make out his cheeks getting redder and redder. His eyes bulged, his arms flailed as he desperately tried to paw away my leg.”

“It can only have taken thirty or forty seconds. His eyes rolled back in their sockets, he emitted this strange, low, gurgling sound and then he went limp.”

Asked what psychological effect this had had on him, Mr Cameron sighed, saying, “None at all. In fact, I was rather disappointed. At the time I felt utterly emotionally disconnected. Not in the sense that I felt a sense of  unreality, like I was a spectator, divorced from the event by an appalled subconscious trying to rationalise a senseless atrocity – just that it was actually quite boring. It was interesting inasmuch as that – at the time – I had never seen a violent death up close before, but for me it had the emotional impact of doing the washing up.”

“I did half-expect, half-hope that I might have some horrific, recurring nightmare about the incident – that perhaps my victim might haunt my nights and eventually my days, as I imagined his accusing, bloodshot eyes looming around corners at me as I carried out my daily business. But no, nothing like that has ever happened.”

“It just didn’t do anything for me, sadly. I’ve thought about doing it again, but to be honest I’m not sure I could be bothered.”

Labour leader Ed Miliband has hit back at Mr Cameron’s revelation, vowing that if elected he would carry out at least four random killings over the course of the next Parliament.

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