Thousands take to streets, begging HSBC not to leave UK

by philapilus

“Maybe tomorrow we’ll wanna settle down; until tomorrow we’ll just keep movin’ on”

The country has been flooded with grief today, after the announcement by beloved bank HSBC that it was looking into relocating away from the UK.

The mass outpouring of sadness resulted in demonstrations across the capital, with members of the public donning sackcloth and ashes, and flagellating themselves, as they wept and pleaded with the bank to stay.

Mourner Tim Twanks sobbed “I’ve been unemployed and homeless since the financial crash, but if it wasn’t for the banks I – and many others – would be in an even worse state.

“Bankers are the unsung heroes of this recovery, asking for nothing in return but their debts to be written off by the government and modest bonuses that would barely pay for a small yacht. If HSBC leaves, who will keep this dangerously multicultural and NHS-infested country from unravelling?”

A source at HSBC said that the bank had not taken the possibility of moving lightly, and was “well aware of the huge devotion our unfettered altruism has inspired amongst the population at large.

“But the company is very much like the Littlest Hobo, and once we’ve helped everyone with no thought of personal recompense, it’s very much time for us to relocate.”

George Osborne, busily filling his SUV with supplies to survive the apocalypse, screamed “We warned you! We warned you that if we didn’t get rid of the NHS quick enough and give them all the money they’d go! NOW what are we going to do?! Make things and sell them?! I don’t fucking think so!”

Osborne drove away at great speed, but unfortunately hit a tree and rocketed through the windscreen, flying for some 15 yards before splashing across the tarmac, shredding his unprotected face over several feet of road.

Another march of grief is expected to take place later today to commemorate the oleaginous little prick.

 

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