Paris Hilton “unaffected” by chihuahua’s death

by philapilus

“I’m just going to dump it in this fucking hedge here”

Paris Hilton has said she is “not remotely bothered” after the death of her 14 year old chihuahua, Tinkerbell, saying to reporters “why should I be? It’s just a fucking dog.”

Hilton, a famous and robust sex mannequin, who has survived numerous porkings, added “If I mourn the loss of any of my lifestyle accessories, it is that fucking earring I dropped down the loo four years ago in the toilets at Burger King. They were made of solid gold, and frozen semen dyed pink.

“I’m certainly not cut up over some yappy little thing that I had to get one of my assistants to clean up after every time it shat.”

Hilton, who has often been derided as a vacuous socialite with no discernible skills, taste, value, abilities, worth or soul, was expected by the public to be somewhat upset. Even her manager Rick Smarm was expecting grief, saying “I’d already sold the rights to two reality TV shows about the death.

“‘Paris misses Tinkerbell’, following her around for a week while she weeps and stamps her pretty little feet, and ‘Paris does it doggy to remember her doggy’, which I probably don’t need to expand on much.”

But close friend of Hilton’s, Petunia Tvatlipz, said “We forgot to top up the reservoirs inside Paris’s plastic head last week, and so it hasn’t been able to cry – I think that’s why it is putting on a brave front.”

Other stars who were not so unmoved by the deaths of pets include:

  • Ozzy Osbourne; suicidally depressed after his pet bat flew between his teeth just as he was closing his mouth, resulting in accidental decapitation.
  • Keira Knightley; entered rehab after her three Rottweilers ran under a milk float
  • Nick Clegg; had a pet worm named Neville Quisling, which was eaten by one of Boris’s diseased pigeons

 

 

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