Archive for April 22nd, 2015

April 22, 2015

Paris Hilton “unaffected” by chihuahua’s death

by philapilus

“I’m just going to dump it in this fucking hedge here”

Paris Hilton has said she is “not remotely bothered” after the death of her 14 year old chihuahua, Tinkerbell, saying to reporters “why should I be? It’s just a fucking dog.”

Hilton, a famous and robust sex mannequin, who has survived numerous porkings, added “If I mourn the loss of any of my lifestyle accessories, it is that fucking earring I dropped down the loo four years ago in the toilets at Burger King. They were made of solid gold, and frozen semen dyed pink.

“I’m certainly not cut up over some yappy little thing that I had to get one of my assistants to clean up after every time it shat.”

Hilton, who has

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April 22, 2015

New Zealand PM told ‘pulling hair isn’t foreplay’

by philapilus

“Sorry, sorry; tell me again, last time I promise. It’s just really hard to remember. Does no mean yes, or does yes mean no?”

The Prime Minister of New Zealand, John Key, has been sternly reminded today that he isn’t 9 years old, and asked to refrain from pulling the hair of girls he fancies.

Key has had to formally apologise to a waitress whose ponytail he has been habitually pulling for months. Witnesses said however that his contrition was slightly ruined by his subsequent request to grope the waitress’s boobs, by way of making it up to her.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said “Mr Key does not consider a bit of light ponytail-tugging to be abusive, any more than a quick slap on the bum would be. It’s

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