Lucas finally gets what fans really want out of Star Wars

by philapilus

Staring at this film-still for three hours would be so much better than the Phantom Fucking Menace

After years of making appalling prequels, Star Wars creator George Lucas has finally understood that actually fans just want to see Han Solo and Chewbacca flying the Millenium Falcon around and wisecracking.

The new teaser trailer for Star Wars Part XXVI, the Force Awakens Again After Sort of Resting For A Bit, suggests Lucas has returned to his winning formula; lush backdrops, no racist CGI characters, light sabers going ‘ZZZSSSHHHHHMMMMMMMMMM’ and a space rogue hanging out with his big cuddly friend.

Superfan Tim Twanks, who goes by the online moniker, Zedd Calrissiolo, said “I thought I loved everything about Star Wars. But now that I’ve seen footage of Han and Chewie together again, I have set fire to the prequel DVDs and all the associated merchandise I’d collected.

“It took me three days – and five trips back to the petrol station for coal and firelighters – to burn all of it, but I feel cleansed. I thought I was a Lucas fanboy, but actually, it’s all about Harrison Ford in a waistcoat.

“Goddamit mum, I’ll be down in a minute! I’m being interviewed – by real people this time!”

Veteran actor Harrison Ford, who plays intergalactic scoundrel and nerfherder, Han Solo, said “I spend a lot of the film sitting down, and George has kindly shot me from the waist up, so that I can wear carpet slippers, which is just so much more comfortable.

“I was worried I might look a bit past it. There are quite a few scenes where I forgot to remove my reading glasses, and at one point you blatantly see me nod off while Mark Hamill’s doing some exposition. But apparently none of the fans have noticed. Or maybe they just don’t care.”

Twanks said “Fuck Ewan McGregor. Fuck him right in the nose.”

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