3 Minute Visions: The Conservative Manifesto, by Michael Fallon

by philapilus

‘Safe Hands’: two of the great things about Michael are that, unlike dangerously unhinged Ed, he used public funds to pay his mortgage, and achieved a drink-driving ban for no less than 18 months!

In this week’s ‘3 Minute Visions’ – our space dedicated to putting the roast-dinner leftovers of news through the blender of analysis, to produce the speedy soup of synopsis – we have asked the brilliant Defence Secretary, Michael Fallon, to talk about the Tories’ election campaign.

I am delighted to be asked to explain our manifesto to you, especially because, unlike Ed Miliband, we would never deliberately destroy our armed forces and hand this country over to the Soviets.

Our pledges to you, the voters, are based on not stabbing people in the back, like Ed does on a daily basis. I can’t tell you how I know this, but not only did he do this to his brother, David, he also stabbed several sick children in the face whilst “visiting” Great Ormond Street!!! (Additionally he runs the ‘We still love Savile’ fan club.)

With the Conservatives, what you’ll get is more good stuff, and less of the bad stuff Ed Miliband does, like handing out drugs to schoolchildren, fighting for Isis in Islington, and torturing beekeepers, to bring down the British honey industry.

Another thing that a lot of people don’t realise about us Conservatives, and one of our great strengths, is that we weren’t directly responsible for the death of a beloved ex-Royal in a car crash in a Parisian tunnel in 1997. Guess who was… that’s right; Ed Miliband.

But this isn’t about negative campaigning. I want to highlight the positive manifesto promises that the Prime Minister and I are making for the defence of this great nation. For eg., whereas I believe in a strong Britain, Ed Miliband has frequently released packs of ravenous wild pigs into old people’s homes, where they have gored and torn apart the bodies of people’s dear old grans and twinkly-eyed grandfathers.

Then he stands amidst the horrible carnage of blood, dismembered flesh, and gorging swine, laughing maniacally and masturbating into a cup, which he then forces the Queen to swallow.

So remember when you go to the polling booths; this election is about policy not personality – policy and keeping Red Ed from unleashing dirty Scottish barbarian hordes to rape your children.

 

Michael Fallon MP,

MP and Member of Parliament

 

 

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